Sex and Marriage

by MCFS Clinical Director: Bat Sheva Marcus, LMSW, MPH, PhD

Sex has a deep affect on marriage. The possibility that sex can create greater intimacy sometimes gets drowned out by the more popular viewpoint that a couple needs to create greater intimacy, which then encourages better sex.

There is even a subtle bias against using sex to create intimacy, as though it is an empty gesture with questionable motives. Expressions like:

• "I'm not going to have sex if I don't feel close to him."
• "She only slept with him to get him off her case."
• "She had sex with him when she wasn't in the mood."

These are critical expressions that assume a no-win model for women who desire closeness with their partner. Maybe this is a bias worth re-thinking?

Often couples get stuck in a complicated state of "working out issues," or "working on communication" which leads them to a damaging sex-less existence. If we start to think of sex as not only a means of expressing intimacy when it already exists, but also a tool to help reintroduce or recreate intimacy when it's on the decline, it may provide us with a more practical framework.

This behavior can start healing a relationship and help to put it back on track. What follows, as a result, can be more intimacy and better communication. Sometimes a behavioral answer can address a problem more directly and quickly than long term analysis. We should be more open to using sex to help heal a relationship.

Consider the idea that sex may help heal and build the intimacy between you and your partner before you dismiss the idea of having sex.

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