Monthly Newsletter

Recently there was an article in the Times Online about how marriages with good sex tend to be happier marriages. This really just confirmed what so many of us in the field already know: sex affects a marriage - big time. But the interesting question really is: does a good sex life improve a relationship or does a better relationship encourage a good sex life?

The possibility that sex can create greater intimacy sometimes gets drowned out by the more popular viewpoint: that a couple needs to create greater intimacy, which then will encourage better sex. Ironically, there is even a subtle bias against using sex to create intimacy, as though it is an empty gesture with questionable motives.
"She only slept with him to get him off her case."
"I'm not gonna have sex if I don't feel close to him,"
"I can't believe she had sex with him when she wasn't in the mood."

These are critical, demeaning expressions that assume a no-win model for women who desire closeness.

But maybe this is a bias worth re-thinking. So many times couples get stuck in a complicated tangle of "working out issues," or "working on their communication" and the damage of a sex-less existence has already been done.

Maybe if we start to think of sex not only as a means of expressing intimacy when it already exists, but also as a tool to help reintroduce or recreate intimacy when it's on the decline, it might give us a new, more practical framework.

When you get the cycle moving in a positive direction, that is when you help a couple move back into the bedroom, often that behavior can begin to heal a relationship and put it back on track. What follows, as a result, can be more intimacy and better communication. Perhaps we should be more open to using sex to help heal a relationship. Sometimes a behavioral answer can address a problem more directly and quickly than long term analysis.

So, before you are quick to dismiss the idea of sex because you are not "in the mood," or things have been tense with you and your partner recently. Maybe consider the idea that sex may help heal and build the intimacy between the two of you. It's worked for many others and it's certainly worth a try.

MCFS Book Recommendation

Well, we can hardly declare this a book recommendation since it hasn't even been published yet.

But there's something fun and serendipitious about getting ready to issue a newsy email when a book on sex gets a lot of press in advance of its distribution in our favorite bookstores.

This month's book is called Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivation - From Adventure to Revenge (And Everything in Between) by Cindy M. Meston, David M. Buss.

And, sorry to report, we haven't read it because it published on September 29th.

The authors are professors of psychology at University of Texas at Austin and interviewed over 1000 women between the ages of 18 and 85 throughout the developed world for the study upon which the book is based.

Now, you can probably guess some of the winning answers to why women have sex, from needing affection, to fine jewelry, to a cure for a migraine. But there may be some interesting insights into behaviors that we see in ourselves and our partners that may help move us into the bedroom - or away from it.

When we reflected upon this book in light of Dr. Marcus's thoughts on sex and marriage, we became curious about how insights from the study might illuminate some of the patterns we see in our own lives.

So, here's a request: would someone read the book and report back? We'll print your review and, if you hated it, we will even reimburse you for the expense. First come, First served. Click here to volunteer!

Deadline for the review: October 5th.

B&N: Why Women Have Sex

Amazon: Why Women Have Sex