Monthly Newsletter

National Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

The National Breast Cancer Awareness Month (NBCAM) organization is a partnership of national public service organizations, professional medical associations, and government agencies working together to promote breast cancer awareness, share information on the disease, and provide greater access to screening services.

In 2009, NBCAM celebrates its 25th anniversary. Since its inception a quarter century ago, NBCAM has been at the forefront of promoting awareness of breast cancer issues and has evolved along with the national dialogue on breast cancer.

Today, NBCAM recognizes that although many great strides have been made in breast cancer awareness and treatment, there remains much to be accomplished.

As we celebrate our 25th anniversary, we remain dedicated to educating and empowering women to take charge of their own breast health by practicing regular self-breast exams to identify any changes, scheduling regular visits and annual mammograms with their healthcare provider, adhering to prescribed treatment, and knowing the facts about recurrence.

While October is recognized as National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the www.NBCAM.org Web site is a year-round resource for breast cancer patients, survivors, caregivers, and the general public. We encourage you to visit our site in October and regularly throughout the year as we add updated breast cancer information and resources.

Talking During Sex

I often hear of couples who seem mismatched when it comes to talking during sex. One of them really enjoys verbal interchanges when they are going at it. Others seem to prefer total silence. And then there is the mismatch in terms of what and how people want to talk. Some people want to use slang, street talk. They like the sound of "dirty" words. Others find that disturbing and like romantic interchanges when they are having sex.

It can feel pretty unbridgeable when one partner wants to scream "fuck me harder," and the other wants to hear "You are the only one I'll ever love" in the throes of passion. Like everything else having to do with sex, preferences are individual and it's okay to like what you like without having to understand it or explain it. But, like everything else having to do with a relationship, negotiating a solution that works for both of you is key. So what's a couple to do?

If you're someone who likes some talking during sex, you are in the majority. Most people don't want absolute silence. If you are in a relationship with someone who seems to prefer silences here are some things to consider:

• Does your partner have no idea you want them to talk? Maybe they'd be happy to if they knew what you wanted!

• Maybe your partner is afraid of sounding stupid. Simple as it seems, the first time you let loose in the throes of passion, you can feel very vulnerable. What the hell did I just say???? I can't believe I sounded like a porn star on steroids. If that's the case, then you need to have a conversation where you tell your partner that:

• You are perfectly happy to be having sex with someone who sounds like a porn-star on steroids

• You know it can take a while to get your verbal rhythm going somewhere you actually want it to go so let's try it.

• Maybe your partner doesn't have a clue what to say. In that case, why don't you make suggestions, ask questions while you're having sex, tell a sexy story that involves input from your partner or read some erotica together so he/she gets the idea of what you're looking for.

• Ascertain if there some level of performance anxiety. Is your partner afraid that if he or she is not concentrating with all the force of concentration available to Luke Skywalker he or she won't "get there." If that is the case, this should be talked about and addressed in a different way. And be sensitive. Your partner might not realize this is going on.

• If, after all this, your partner really doesn't want to talk, consider running an erotic video in the background so you still have the sounds of sex which make you feel sexy, or at the very least, consider some sexy music to use until you can work this out more.

• Take turns. As silly as it may sound you can have silent sex night and noisy sex night. Just make sure you discuss this in advance so that everyone's expectations are met.

• You know, if all else fails and this is turning into a serious issue, that discussing this with a trained sex therapist is a perfectly valid alternative. For some people sex with no sound is just not fun and having your needs in this area met seems reasonable.

For the most part, in my experience, partners want you to enjoy sex and will accommodate to your needs, IF you are honest with each other as to what is going on. Saying "I'm just not into talking," is just not enough information to address the issue.

Whether you want to talk "dirty," or romantic during sex is a matter of personal preference but I feel pretty strongly that developing a dual vocabulary is not only good but almost necessary for most couples.

We are all aware of what turns us on naturally. And most of us fall into one of the two categories but here are some things to consider:

• Women are often scared to use street language because on some level they have been told it's not "ladylike," or "okay." They think they will sound like a slut or worse, like a prostitute. As a result it's just not something they are comfortable with and it's something they might have to get used to. But many women will express the fact that this language does turn them on precisely because there is something "bad" or a little illicit about it.

• Many men are not programmed to talk romantically during sex. It may feel disingenuous to say "I love you," when you're feeling "oh my g-d, you're so hot." Or, men have been programmed that talking romantically is "wussy" or not manly. But the truth is that many women will express a need for sincerity and romantic talk when they are having sex and will say that it is a big turn on.

So here are some suggestions:

• First of all tell each other what you really want! I can't believe how often couples are stuck in dysfunctional patterns because they haven't communicated to each other what they need.

• Watch or read erotica together and talk about it honestly so your partner has an idea of what you like.

• Break out of your routine. If one of you tends to veer towards one type of "talking" then make a concerted (discussed) effort to switch over. Break out of your comfort zone and just try it. If you are having trouble figuring out what to say, buy some erotic books and read them aloud to try the talking on for size.

• Take turns. Tonight will be heavy duty porn night. Tomorrow night with be Jane Austin adoration night. See what happens on each night and what the talking does to the sex. You can even dress to match the dialogue!

• On any given night, if your partner is misreading your cues, try communicating more directly. "Is it okay if we are a bit more romantic tonight honey?" works better than rolling your eyes and shutting down after the opening line of "Well, aren't you just the hottest bitch ever?" And it works even better if last time you had sex, you were totally in line with the hottest bitch ever routine.

Having a variety of ways in which to communicate during sex can only help your sexual relationship. It helps both because the more different ways you have sex the more interesting sex remains over the years and because there are times that call for different "types" of sex.

The first time you make love after you get married or after you have a baby or after a fight might call for a different "kind" of sex than coming home from a wild night out, or on a great island escape. Who knows? But you and your partner can negotiate the situation better if your "sexual vocabulary" is wider!

Read more blog entries from the Women's Center here.