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Let's take it easy on the men in our lives.

Recently I was speaking to a class at an all-male class of graduate students, and  I made mention of the fact that men may sometimes "not be in the mood" for sex and that we do a disservice to men in our society by making the assumption that they are, or should be, always in the mood to have sex. This comment, made somewhat in passing, seemed to resonate strongly with them.

The truth is, men don't "always want to have sex," and to suggest so is just as harmful as declaring that women never want sex or are never in the mood. The appreciation the students showed because someone had expressed their position was tremendous and there was also a certain sense of relief that someone was seeing it from "their side."  It hit me again that we unwittingly put a lot of pressure on the guys in our lives. Here are some myths I'd like to bust.

1. Men always want/look for/are ready for sex.  (See above.)
2. Men want sex every day.

I am always amazed at the number of women (generally those with low libidos) who come in saying to me that they think their husband would only truly be happy if he was having sex every day. I will often give them the "try it and see," challenge. Once we've gotten their libido back to normal, I suggest that they initiate sex every night for 2 weeks and see what happens. Never fails: by week two, the husbands say something like:  " Again? Um, honey I'm kind of tired. Can we wait for tomorrow, maybe?"

3. Men are not picky about sex... they'll have sex with anyone at anytime. It's just a physical thing for them. That's why they'll have sex after a fight or even when we're mad at each other.

This one really gets me; it's just not true. The reality is that for many men, the sex is the connection. If they wanted just a physical release they could masturbate. But they don't. They want to be with you.  I do realize that for many women the way they connect to others is by talking, talking talking. But many men connect by doing things with others and the act of having sex with you makes them feel close and connected. So you might want to talk things out to feel more loving towards him, but he might want to have sex to feel more loving towards you.

4. Men only want sex. They are not interested in the other physical connectors like touching, kissing, cuddling.

Again, this just isn't true in my experience of couples. Perhaps the most poignant thing I hear from men whose wives suffer from low libido is the dual sense of loss they feel in their relationship.   Not only have they lost the sexual activity but they've also lost the closeness and the touching that they need.

You might say I see an unusual sample of men in our practice, but I don't think so.  These reactions tell me it's time to peel back the negative beliefs we've loaded onto the guys in our lives and re-evaluate our own assumptions about what they're thinking and feeling.  Who knows what we'll find underneath?

MCFS Book Recommendation

Resurrecting Sex - Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship. Schnarch D. (2002), New York; HarperCollins Publishers

This sophisticated, complex book addresses sexual challenges across the board, including those plaguing men.   According to the review in Barnes and Noble, "Resurrecting Sex speaks of compassion, partnership, generosity, and integrity in adult sexual relationships."  Wow, who could object to that!

The book provides an alternative approach to dealing with the avoidance of sex by the partners and tends to be more focused on understanding the issues, rather than practical solutions. However, for a sophisticated, psychologically oriented couple, this book could be invaluable.

One more quote from the reviewers captures the tone of this book so well, we had to replay it here for you: "...the book shows couples how to turn their worst sex and relationship disasters into personal growth and spiritual connection."  That's quite a promise, but even if the book suggests some pathways to such a result, it's probably worth your time if you feel your relationship is struggling.

Barnes and Noble 

Amazon