Monthly Newsletter

Sex does not equal intercourse. Intercourse does not equal sex.

Our society always seems to use those words interchangeably but they are not the same thing! Sex may - and often does - include intercourse. Intercourse can include both vaginal and anal intercourse and is often a part of sex. While you may feel we are peeling a grape when we get down to the words we use to describe sex, these distinctions have an impact on our feelings about ourselves, our pleasure and, yes, even our kids.

Why? For one thing, it can make for a very boring sex life. If every time you have sex, you feel like the culmination is always putting a in slot b, it can take away a lot of the fun and spontaneity. There is always a temptation to just "get to it" and everything else becomes an unnecessary add-on. It can cause you and your partner to feel like you didn't "really" have sex last night when you had a wonderful session of lovemaking where both of you felt great and came to orgasm with the other's hands.

When we use the words synonymously we are not-so-subtly putting down oral sex, anal sex, manual sex (and any kind of sex you can think of using 10 fingers, toes, feathers, or lips.) By calling them "just foreplay" we are saying that those are not the "real deal", they are not really sex.

Also, not every woman loves vaginal intercourse best. For some women, sex feels different at different times in their life. Some may experience pain or discomfort with intercourse or some may feel bored with intercourse in a long-term relationship. Men, as they get older, may sometimes need more and stronger stimulation than a vagina can give them. Are we telling a couple that has great oral or manual sex two times a week that they are not "really" having sex?

Now let's look at it from another perspective. What exactly are we telling our kids? Are we telling them that if they are having oral sex, they are not really having sex? That if they are having anal sex it's not really sex? Whether we mean to or not, lack of clarity can give curious teenagers the impression that other kinds of sex are "not really" sex; and they will behave accordingly.

Many kids put a great deal of thought into their first sexual encounter. They may look for a meaningful emotional connection or a real relationship when they are making the decision to have sex for the first time. Yet, all of this may be seen as unnecessary for something that is "just foreplay." In the end, is that really the message we want to give our kids?

In the end, though it may seem like a small thing, the language we choose to use impacts how we, our partners and society at large view sexual activity.