Monthly Newsletter

Fantasies...Fantasies...Fantasies...

By, Bat Sheva Marcus, LMSW, MPH, PhDClinical Director of The Medical Center for Female Sexuality 

When I fantasize about something, does that mean that I really want that thing to happen? (I get asked this all the time!) NO. no. And no.
 
All it mean is that you like to fantasize about that activity/act/event.
 
Now, very commonly women get upset about their fantasies because they think that they are not PC. "Oh my g-d, I fantasized about being overcome by a stranger in the woods." Or "What is wrong with me, I fantasized about trading sex with a cop to get out of a parking ticket." The whole point is that women should never worry about fantasies because the whole fun of fantasies is that they are merely that, fantasies. It does not mean you want the scenario to happen in real life. It just means there is some element of that fantasy that appeals to you. For example, it is very common for women to have "overpowerment" fantasies, when in real life if they were raped or taken without their consent they would be devastated. However, it is such a common fantasy because it allows a woman to feel as though she is giving up total control and she can then completely submit to the pleasure that sex affords without the concern, guilt or second guessing she might have in real life. The reality, of course, is that when you're fantasizing, (even when you're fantasizing about losing control) you have absolute control over your fantasy. Everyone is acting out exactly what you want, when you want it and how you want it. You and only you get to decide when and how that fantasy is going to end.
 
And women should learn never to edit their fantasies. So what if there is a monkey in your fantasy? Two women? 62 people watching you? Whips and chains? It doesn't mean that you are a lesbian, an exhibitionist, into BDSM or any particular activity. It just means that thinking about those things turn you on.
 
If you want to do a bit more soul searching, you can think about what appeals to you in the fantasy... it is the absolute power? Is it feeling beautiful? Is it a sense of equality? Is it the romance? Then you can see if those are things you might be able to incorporate into your real life sex. Let's see... you fantasize about being onstage having sex and people are throwing roses at you... so maybe a little bit of exhibitionism might turn you on. Maybe you and your husband want to leave the shades open sometime, or video yourselves. Or maybe you just want to do a striptease for your partner.
 
The most important thing is for women to learn to enjoy their fantasies, not to feel guilty about them and learn to revel in them. Fantasies are so important that many women have an "orgasm fantasy," some scene that is so erotic to them they use it during stimulation in order to have an orgasm.
 
Now about sharing those fantasies with your partner...  My only advice is that the decision to do so should be totally up to you alone. If you think it would be fun to act out a fantasy or even just talk about it, go for it! You can shoot an e mail or leave a note or an erotic story on your partner's bed if you can't bring yourself to bring it up. Or, snuggled up in bed when it's dark and they can't see your face is always another option - but be prepared, you might have to follow it up with real sex.  But never let a partner push you into telling him or her a fantasy that you want to keep private - they are your fantasies alone and you never" owe" it to someone to tell them your fantasies.

MCFS Book Recommendation 

Every month we like to recommend a book that you might want to read (and that hopefully has some information on our topic of the month).  This month we are happily showcasing Lust: Erotic Fantasies for Women edited by Violet Blue.  These are fun short stories of 3-5 pages which are extremely explicit.  Some explore light BDSM with some tying up, playful role playing, etc.  This is a great basic book of women's pornography.