Posts Tagged ‘vibrators’

Traveling with Sex Toys

Tuesday, November 1st, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

A Transportation Security Administration employee was fired last week for allegedly leaving a note (“Get your freak on, girl”), on a traveler’s sex toy.

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/tsa-screener-fired-leaving-a-note-telling-passenger-freak-girl-article-1.967622

Hmmm…. I have to be honest, when I heard the report on the radio driving home I cracked up.

Admittedly, the story wasn’t really funny. It was, I’m sure, quite upsetting to the woman who received the note so I was trying to figure out why that was my response. Maybe it’s because I am always telling patients who are nervous about flying with their sex toys not to worry. “Who the heck notices other people’s sex toys?” I say. Why would TSA workers pay any attention. Well… I guess I’m wrong. Some of them do.

That having been said, I still am laughing when I think about it. I guess it’s because I feel like the TSA worker was probably a bit titillated and jealous – not judgmental. His note wasn’t a moral or religious harangue against sex toys but something more akin to “more power to you, girl.” And a small part of me feels bad that he was fired even though the note was a truly heinous breach of professionalism and totally inappropriate.

I suppose I’m glad the TSA is taking his lack of professionalism seriously and I’m glad they are reacting appropriately. At the same time I am also happy to hear of a man expressing his pleasure at an unknown woman’s sexual freedom and I think that’s great too. Hence the laugh.

Even more interesting, I started to Google “traveling with sex toys” and found that there are many sites with suggestions and ideas to make it easier. So that will be the subject of my next newsletter folks. How to travel safely with your vibrators!

My Closet is X-rated!

Thursday, September 29th, 2011 by admin

Not only do I love my job because I get to help people, but I also get to constantly explore and test out anything that has to do with increasing one’s sexual pleasure. It recently occurred to me that my closet is x-rated and that when my child goes looking for something in my room it might be better if he didn’t! I realize that most people may not have the time, energy or resources to spice up their sex life, so I wanted to write about the things that you can do for very little money and very little time that might make having sex a lot more fun, and that happen to be in my closet as I write this!

Massage candles are candles that burn at a cooler temperature and then turn into a massage oil. You might wonder,  “who has time for that?”, but it doesn’t need to be an all-night activity. They burn quickly and  smell good.  A  few minutes of massage with something that is warm and feels great might change your whole night, and when you are having fun and experiencing  pleasure it stays with you the next day.

Vibrators come in so many shapes, styles, sizes and intensities. If you are someone who has never used one you should try it and if you are someone who uses one regularly, try a new one.  I write about them often because for many women they are a necessity. There are also several that can be used during intercourse so if a woman or a man feels that a vibrator will be replacing them, don’t fret; try one that can be used together.

Lubricants can also open up a whole new world. Some women need one all the time, some never do. Much like vibrators there are so many different kinds to try. There are lubricants that are:  water based,  silicone based, organic, warming  and edible. Even if you are someone who has never used one, you can try a few to add something new.

Esther Perel in her book “Mating in Captivity”, poses that comfort and security can kill your sex life. I am from an attachment theory background so I do not necessarily agree. But I do think that people need variety to feel excited and alive, so try something new, you will be glad you did!

NY Post and Kosher Sex

Thursday, September 15th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

In the New York Post this week there was an article about a new online site selling vibrators to the religious Jewish community. I love to see vibrators in mass media publications; the fact that there was a wide range of opinions discussed in the article from within that community adds even more value. At the Center we see many religious Jews and many of them struggle with issues around their sexuality. Some women feel that exploring their sexuality is wrong for religious reasons.  Many feel they must check with their rabbis about what behaviors are acceptable. Luckily some women have rabbis that support them to explore their sexuality in a multitude of ways, but unfortunately not all have that experience.  For those women we need to work within the confines of what they are allowed to do.

The site is simple and only carries a few of each kind of product (such as vibrators and lubricants), but it’s a good beginning for couples looking to expand their sexual experiences.  It’s a safe  place for online anonymous questions (that will be answered by a sex therapist), an aspect I find particularly important for this community where most individuals do not have access to a lot of sex education. I also suggest that if an individual or a couple is having any issues with pain or struggling with any other element of their sexual relationship that they reach out for help. We help many individuals and couples, and believe whole-heartedly that there is no reason to suffer when it comes to sex.

Sex and the Vibrator Movie

Tuesday, September 6th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

I admit it. I have been waiting all my life (okay, maybe just the last 10 years) for someone to make a quality film about the incredibly interesting history of vibrators. Really. I’m not kidding.

And finally, someone is doing it. (Well, I can’t actually vouch that it’s quality, but it is a real film). Maggie Gyllenhaal, the beautiful, feisty, funny and sexy chick from Secretary (another blog post on the feminist aspects of BDSM in the future, I promise) is going ahead and starring in a movie called Hysteria, about vibrators. Imagine a rom-com about the vibrator history. Someone order the popcorn! http://www.aceshowbiz.com/news/view/w0005673.html

So why do I feel like somehow the world is really not complete without a movie about vibrators? Because in my heart of hearts I believe that the vibrator is to the over-30 clitoris what eyeglasses are to over 15-year-old eyes. They can change your life. They make things easier, clearer and more beautiful.

Here’s the real deal. We live in a ridiculously androcentric sexual universe. Put another way, we have allowed men and the media to define sex as vaginal intercourse. If you asked a typical person on the street (male or female) to tell you what the basic requirement or ingredients of “sex” are, no doubt you’d hear something like “man put penis in vagina. Man ejaculates.” Hmmmm… Why would the answer not be “partner massages vulva and clitoris until the women reaches orgasm.” But let’s just be honest, one in 1000 people would answer that way and the one person would probably turn out to be me, a member of our staff or my family. No one answers that way! Worse, no one thinks that way.

So, if say, we were to flip that way of thinking onto its head and suggest that perhaps a woman’s orgasm should be an actual primary component of our sexual definition, well then that changes the equation – totally.  Intercourse is, without question, one of the least efficient and effective means of women achieving orgasm. 33.3 percent (that’s 3/10 women for those of you with math challenges) actually can have an orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Compare that statistic to 96.5%… the number of women who can achieve orgasm with a vibrator.

So, if you were a professional dealing with that statistic daily, wouldn’t you want there to be more understanding, acceptance, and use of perhaps the best invention since the light bulb?

Perhaps a mainstream movie might accomplish what is so hard for so many of us professionally in the field. Perhaps there will be just a little nudge in the direction of understanding and accepting female sexuality in all its complicated and misunderstood glory.

Vibrators In the New York Times

Friday, April 22nd, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

As a sex educator it is exciting to see Vibrators covered in the New York Times. You can see the complete article here.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/21/fashion/21VIBRATORS.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=vibrators&st=cse

The journalist has pegged the piece to the new found presence of vibrators in regular drug stores. They are now sold at Duane Reade! This is a wonderful step because vibrators were and still are sometimes thought of as “kinky” or subversive. The truth is they can be an important and even necessary component of a woman’s sex life. So the fact that they are readily available is wonderful. Duane Reade is currently selling a 19.99 model, which also makes them affordable.

 

The article ends by saying that all women need, is a little more freedom. The implication is that with added freedom, they could use vibrators, and their sexual problems might be solved. Though freedom is wonderful and can certainly be a necessary component to making a woman feel more comfortable.  Sometimes when a woman suffers from female sexual dysfunction, she may need a therapist and/or a doctor too. At the Center we see the benefits that therapy and medications have in the treatment of low desire, as well as issues with arousal and orgasm.  We definitely advocate the use of vibrators as well! Let’s give women all the help we can offer and not stigmatize any of it.

When it comes to sex, lying is not a good idea!

Thursday, March 17th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Yesterday we saw a wonderful patient of ours. She originally came in because she felt like “there was something wrong with her.” She was having a difficult time having orgasms and, more often than not, she could not have them with a partner.

We’ve worked with her for a while to help her understand that most women don’t have an orgasm from intercourse; and that if having an orgasm with a vibrator was the best way for her do so, she shouldn’t feel badly about feeling good! We’ve also tried to help her have orgasms more easily since it really did seem like there were physiological reasons that she might be having a difficult time.

Two days ago she was in our office and told us she was dating  a new man who was interested in having sex with her. She was turned on and excited about the idea of having sex with him but nervous that she’d have problems with orgasm with him. She needed advice… and her therapist told her a)not to come clean with him about her orgasm concerns and b) “maybe you can just fake it in the beginning so that you don’t have an issue!!!!”

I almost fell off my chair.

She loves her therapist and I’m sure her therapist is good for her in some ways. (Okay, maybe not… who know?) But I do know that this could not have been a worse suggestion. Lying in this way just creates so many problems in the long run and in no way sets the stage for a normal, healthy sexual interaction.

Here’s the RIGHT answer:

Before you get involved in sex with him, talk to him. Tell him:

  • you feel anxious because sometimes you have a problem with orgasm in a relationship.
  • The easiest way for you to have an orgasm is with a vibrator, and at some point you may want to bring that into the relationship.
  • In the meantime, you hope he can understand that you really want to have sex with him and he turns you on but it would really help if he didn’t focus on orgasm so strongly. You will have fun anyway.

Our hope is that, ultimately, they’ll have great sex, she can bring her vibrator in to the room and have great orgasms and all will be right with the world.  We believe this can happen.  If, that is,  you start out being honest and open from that very first intimate encounter.

Intercourse and orgasm

Wednesday, October 20th, 2010 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Most women don’t have an orgasm from intercourse alone                       

You’ve heard me say it again and again… there is nothing “wrong” with you if you can’t have an orgasm from intercourse. It puts you squarely with 70% of women. And if you are someone who is able to have orgasms from a hand,  a mouth or a vibrator, you don’t have a problem with orgasm!  It just has to do with where your clitoris is positioned, the shape of his penis and how you initially learned how to have an orgasm.

BUT if you’d like to have an orgasm during intercourse – now that’s a different story. That you can learn how to do! You can use your hand, a vibrator or his hand if you find the right position. There are “hands free” vibrators that go on the penis and have a small vibrator for the clitoris. And many women really enjoy having an orgasm during intercourse. Because there is stimulation from a number of sources: the vagina and the clitoris, the orgasm may feel more intense or deeper. So try experimenting.

Engagement gifts, wedding presents, birthdays…. sex toys show creative genius!

Friday, October 16th, 2009 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Sex toys are becoming mainstream. As well they should. The Journal of Sexual Medicine recently reported that a whopping  53 percent of women had used a vibrator, and although the numbers were lower for the guys, they were getting in on the act too!  And the study suggested that sexual satisfaction amongst “toy users” was overall better than the “non-users.” 

Here’s a link to a piece written by a well educated and well informed “sorority sister,” describing her experience buying sex toys as an engagement gift. It’s fun, but even more so, it’s informative. It seems Ann Arbor Michigan is home to one terrific sex toy shop. Maybe it’s time you located one near you? Or, failing that, go on line and … do a little shopping!

http://www.michigandaily.com/content/rose-afriyie-shopping-sex-toys

With Valentine's Day Approaching

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 by Shannon Bertha, ACS, PhD

After many years with a partner, Valentine’s Day might not have the same thrill it did when you celebrated your first Valentine’s Day together.  Romantic dinners are replaced with long waits at restaurants, piled in with lovers celebrating their love together, enough to disgust the singles out there.  Romantic overtones of flowers and chocolates have been replaced with $80.00 roses, just perfect for the occasion, $50.00 Godiva chocolates, and if you are lucky, jewelry with a heart diamond.  

This Valentine’s day, try something new and different.  If you are always on the go and eating out at restaurants, on Feb 14th stay at home.  Valentine’s day lands on a Saturday this year so plan a sexy day at home.  Go out and buy “The Seduction Cookbook” or other cookbooks that are similar and sit with your partner and plan a delicious, erotic meal, and don’t forget the wine or dessert!  Melt some chocolate in a fondue maker (a pot will also work) and buy some fruits such as bananas, strawberries, blackberries, and even some pound cake.  Take turns feeding each other.  Put chocolate places you want your lover to lick.  If you do not have children or they are not home this day, spice it up by celebrating this day naked and eating dessert naked.  (but you probably want to wear clothes while cooking, you don’t want to burn anything)

And for gifts, plan a trip to your local sex toy shop and pick out an item you both want to try for the night.  With such busy schedules, some people do not have the time to put so much work and effort into their sex lives, use this time on Saturday.  The whole day will be exciting with new toys try in the end.  My recommendation for a couple’s sex toy would be “the couple’s love ring” or vibrating penis rings.  This is a jelly ring that is worn around the penis.  It has a bullet vibration that sits at the top of the penis and an additional one at the base that is removable.  When a woman sits on top of it, it should be hitting directly on her clitoris.  Since only 30-40% of women orgasm through intercourse alone, it is important to provide some other stimulation to the clitoris.  Just make sure you get one that is reusable with batteries. 

And remember, love should be celebrated every day, not just Feb. 14th.

penis shaped vibrators

Monday, October 27th, 2008 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Somehow when women going looking for a vibrator they often come home with a penis shaped one — long and thin and clearly meant for internal use. That’s great if what you want is vaginal stimulation.  If, however, what you are looking is clitoral stimulation , which is what most women want, then you need an external vibrator…. look under “clitoral stimulation.” Also, for many, many women, battery operated vibrators aren’t enough, they need more stimulation. For that, look for plug in. They are not cute. They are not subtle. They are big. But boy do they work!