Posts Tagged ‘sexual satisfaction’

Sex and the Vibrator Movie

Tuesday, September 6th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

I admit it. I have been waiting all my life (okay, maybe just the last 10 years) for someone to make a quality film about the incredibly interesting history of vibrators. Really. I’m not kidding.

And finally, someone is doing it. (Well, I can’t actually vouch that it’s quality, but it is a real film). Maggie Gyllenhaal, the beautiful, feisty, funny and sexy chick from Secretary (another blog post on the feminist aspects of BDSM in the future, I promise) is going ahead and starring in a movie called Hysteria, about vibrators. Imagine a rom-com about the vibrator history. Someone order the popcorn! http://www.aceshowbiz.com/news/view/w0005673.html

So why do I feel like somehow the world is really not complete without a movie about vibrators? Because in my heart of hearts I believe that the vibrator is to the over-30 clitoris what eyeglasses are to over 15-year-old eyes. They can change your life. They make things easier, clearer and more beautiful.

Here’s the real deal. We live in a ridiculously androcentric sexual universe. Put another way, we have allowed men and the media to define sex as vaginal intercourse. If you asked a typical person on the street (male or female) to tell you what the basic requirement or ingredients of “sex” are, no doubt you’d hear something like “man put penis in vagina. Man ejaculates.” Hmmmm… Why would the answer not be “partner massages vulva and clitoris until the women reaches orgasm.” But let’s just be honest, one in 1000 people would answer that way and the one person would probably turn out to be me, a member of our staff or my family. No one answers that way! Worse, no one thinks that way.

So, if say, we were to flip that way of thinking onto its head and suggest that perhaps a woman’s orgasm should be an actual primary component of our sexual definition, well then that changes the equation – totally.  Intercourse is, without question, one of the least efficient and effective means of women achieving orgasm. 33.3 percent (that’s 3/10 women for those of you with math challenges) actually can have an orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Compare that statistic to 96.5%… the number of women who can achieve orgasm with a vibrator.

So, if you were a professional dealing with that statistic daily, wouldn’t you want there to be more understanding, acceptance, and use of perhaps the best invention since the light bulb?

Perhaps a mainstream movie might accomplish what is so hard for so many of us professionally in the field. Perhaps there will be just a little nudge in the direction of understanding and accepting female sexuality in all its complicated and misunderstood glory.

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The Unconsummated Marriage/Relationship

Thursday, July 7th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

 

Here is the most important thing to remember: NO ONE NEEDS TO LIVE WITH AN UNCONSUMMATED RELATIONSHIP. EVERYONE CAN BE HELPED!

Really and truly. I promise you.

So if you are sitting there thinking “I am the worst case ever. I can’t possibly do this, ” I’m here to let you know that it just isn’t so. And now you are probably shaking your head saying “But you haven’t met ME and you can’t imagine how bad my case it.”  Oh yes I can. “No, really,” you’re saying. “My gynecologist made it clear to me (by their looks and impatience?) that I am like the most hopeless case ever” or  you’re saying “ You don’t know ME. I am really nuts. I can’t let anyone touch my thighs without hyperventilating or shaking.” Yes… I do know you. We see someone like you every single day here at the Center.

We won’t scream at you. We won’t make you feel guilty. We won’t shame you. And we never, ever make you feel like a freak. Because you’re not. Because every day there are hundreds and thousands of women walking around with the same issue. Just no one talks about it. So when you come in to see us for the first appointment, all we will ever think, is that we know how incredibly scary this is for you… and you? You are incredibly brave!

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Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh writes for MCFS: When it comes to sex, do you know what YOU want?

Thursday, September 30th, 2010 by Dr. Sara

Hello Everyone. I am Dr. Sara NasserZadeh.
I have just joined the dynamic group of professionals at MCFS and am looking forward to interacting with you all through the blog.
My Motto is: “There is always a way forward or at least out of it”. I hope you enjoy this entry as much as I did writing it!

I can’t tell you how many times women ask me ‘How can I improve my sex life?’ When I ask them what  the ideal situation would be, they don’t have a clear idea as what those improvements might be. That is why I thought of writing this entry to encourage everyone to clarify their perception about sex, good sex and great sex, to know what is it that they want and to learn how to communicate that effectively with their partners. These will all happen by following three simple steps:

1- Add some active learning to your everyday life: Many of the norms and ideas that we have in mind are shaped by the messages we receive in our everyday life. These include: talking to our friends, reading a magazine’s sex tips page, watching TV and so on. These are the passive learning processes we go through each day. If we try to add some active learning techniques to the picture, then we will have a more balanced perspective which will then help us shape a realistic picture of what our individual sex lives could be.

Some of the things we can do to create a more active learning process about our sex lives is to take the time to know our own “turn on’s” and “turn off’s.” We need to get in touch with our bodies to answer these questions: which parts we would like to be touched?, how and for how long?  And, perhaps, by whom? 

2- Learn how to communicate your likes and dislikes: We need to learn to be more assertive and clear about what we like and dislike – not only about sexual preferences but also in other areas of life. You can start with one of the easiest, but one of the most complex everyday challenges for many people: likes and dislikes in eating! Observe yourself and see how well you communicate what you want and what are the factors that prevent you from getting what you want. These are could be transferable to your sexual communication too.

3- Put this into action: Now that you have a good understanding of what you want, you can communicate this to your partner from the beginning of the relationship to shape the sex life you want.  If you are already in a relationship and you have a set pattern of intimacy with your partner, it is very helpful to begin slowly, but surely. For example, at each anniversary, you can sit together with your partner and go through a list of things that you would like to try in this new year of your relationship. This is a useful technique because people (especially in long term relationships) can get offended or insecure if you suddenly suggest a change in the way they have been touching you or kissing you for the past 10 years! Our preferences change over time due to psychological, social, relational and biological factors so this little chat at each anniversary will give you and your partner the opportunity to share your new preferences with one another without any upsets and enjoy life-long satisfying sex life together. 

Good luck!

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How much is enough….sex?

Thursday, July 1st, 2010 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

The question always comes up:  what’s the “right” amount of sex?

At nearly every lecture I give, at some point, I get the question: “so how often is normal?” It’s the kind of questions we sex educators hate. Really. The honest truth is that couples vary so widely in their sexual desires and habits that defining the “norm” seems ludicrous.

I have had couples who have sex once a month and when that is good and satisfying that works just fine for both of them. I’ve had couples who really and truly like to have sex a few times a day.

 However,  people invariably push me to answer and I hate to be one of those namby-pamby “everything is okay and good” type of practitioners. I don’t always find that to be the most helpful approach.

The truth is there really do appear to be some norms. The reality is that, given the hundreds of couples I’ve seen, what seems to be the average amount of sexual activity (in a long term relationship where the sex is going well) seems to be somewhere between 1-3 times a week. So, there it is.

In a book by Laura Berman I saw  a paragraph where she suggests (after the disclaimer we all make—see above) that in her experience most couples should have some type of sexual activity at least once every two weeks or things often seem to go awry.

 So there you have it. Hopefully you now feel “normal.” The more important question is,  are you happy? Does your current level of sexual activity satisfy you and your partner?  If not, that is something you should look into because that is something you can do something about!

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Sexual gridlock

Monday, June 7th, 2010 by Shannon Bertha, ACS, PhD

Sexual dysfunction is a complicated problem and often it isn’t one thing – or one person’s issue –  that is causing it.  If the problem goes on long enough, often it begins to affect other issues in  the relationship.  I notice that women often take on this problem as their own, “It’s my fault” or “It is my problem” or “My husband is fine, it is ME!”  At times, partners may be contributing to the problem or experiencing sexual dysfunction themselves.  At the Center, we work with our female patients to achieve optimal sexual functioning, but at times, we can only take the patient so far and may need her husband or partner to seek treatment as well.  He may be suffering from sexual dysfunctions such as difficulty achieving or maintaining his erection, low desire or ejaculation problems.  At times, men are embarrassed about getting help and therefore stop initiating lovemaking.  If  this disrupts the natural patterns in a relationship,  sexual activity may decrease in frequency and women are then left wondering what happened.   The lack of desire may become magnified, no one feels comfortable initiating sex and we have  sexual gridlock!  No on’e s moving. No one’s initiating. No one’s talking about it.  And…no one’s having sex!

Keep in mind that sexual issues are a multidimensional and it is important to investigate this from many angles. If you begin to sense gridlock in your sex life, stop the cycle, be gentle with your partner, and try to understand what’s happening between you.  If it appears to be a physical issue, there are practitioners who can help men and those who specialize in women’s sexuality.  If it doesn’t seem to be sourced in a physical problem, often some short term couples therapy can help you talk through immediate issues and get back to business!

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