Posts Tagged ‘sex’

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Kissing Part 3 – Why Stop?

Thursday, December 22nd, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

I have been actively looking   for the answer to why people stop kissing. I love research, particularly medical and psychological  journals, because I love to read and I really like to know the answers to why things are the way they are. After searching literally everywhere, I found almost nothing. I can find statistics on how often people have intercourse at any age, single or married and on virtually every continent, but why people stop kissing is not a topic most people, researchers included, really consider. I really think they should.  Sex generally slows down and lessens over time, and the intensity certainly will, which I understand.  But why kissing, which many find even more intimate than intercourse, lessens and ends is unknown.

I think the reason is because intimacy between two people over time is really the hardest thing on earth to achieve. The statistics on divorce are widely known, the statistics on miserable marriages or even marginally miserable marriages are not. Staying close to another human being over time is extremely difficult. And when it is done successfully I honestly think it is one of life’s miracles. Hopefully a relationship starts out with a bang, hormones, and fireworks and fun. Some do not… some grow stronger over time.. but just about all relationships require tremendous work and energy to maintain closeness.

We know the reason why most versions of intimacy struggle and fail: exhaustion, children, financial stress, time stress, illness, etc. etc. So how do people keep it together? Not only the passion, but the connection.  It is a lot of work, yet with the right match, enough fun, humor and compatibility  the work of it hopefully becomes less arduous. I couldn’t find any research to explain the demise of kissing, but I can tell you from personal experience and logging countless hours listening to people talk about their relationships…that staying “connected” whether through kissing or other means is the best way to stay happy.  Kissing is just one aspect of connection. My boss says “if you don’t use it you lose it”, usually in reference to sex, but I would say the same is true for kissing. If you don’t keep doing it…… soon enough….you just won’t want to.

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The Glee Controversy

Wednesday, December 7th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Amy Schalet, Assistant Professor of Sociology at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, has a great post responding to the Glee episode where two of its main characters decide to have sex for the first time.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-schalet/glee-virginity_b_1089983.html

Quote taken from the post, “Why did it takes us so long to arrive at a positive media portrayal of first sexual experiences — planned, protected yet ignited by romantic passion? And why has the Glee episode sparked such a controversy? After all, the so-called sexual revolution took place more than three decades ago, and a majority of our young people experience sexual intimacy of some sort before leaving high school.” Ms. Schalet makes the case that the reason is the parent’s discomfort with their own sexual history and that they are trying to steer their kids in a way different from theirs.

I think she’s right, but perhaps there is another  element to this. In one way or another, every woman I interview thinks that there is something “wrong” with her sex history. She feels as though she had too many partners or she had too few partners. Essentially we, the adults, have to come to terms with our own level of sexuality before we can be truly useful and helpful to our kids.  When I speak to parents I usually point out to them that at least some of their discomfort talking to their kids about sex is that they don’t really know what it is they want to say! Wait until your married? Engaged? In love? Dating for at least 6 months? And is oral sex the same as intercourse? Is using your hands on each other OK? Until the parents have these issues clear, it’s really hard for them to provide guidance to their kids.

The absurd irony here is that parents try to close their eyes to the fact that their children are sexually active. Instead, they should accept the fact and try to be as helpful as possible and give guidance and advice when it is perhaps most needed.

It seems Glee did its job properly here. Now it’s time for us to do our jobs as parents, properly as well!

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When Your Kids are Uncomfortable Talking About Sex

Tuesday, November 8th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

I heard a sweet story yesterday and I thought I’d share it about a mother who has been trying to talk to her 10 year-old daughter about sex. Although she feels that her daughter listens, she had not been getting much feedback or questions. She discovered that, while her daughter feels too awkward and uncomfortable to talk to her mother about sex, she is comfortable typing out her questions.

So she and her mother have come to the following modus operandi. Whenever she has a sex questions she types it out on the computer and lets her mother know there is a question waiting for her. When they are having a conversation, even in the middle of the conversation, she will run to the computer and type out questions.

I thought it was a great idea, especially for kids who are still having trouble saying words like “penis” and “vagina” out loud. What I think is even greater is that this mother and daughter worked out a solution that works well by tailoring a way to have the conversation that was comfortable to them both.

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Talking During Sex – A Two Part Blog Entry

Tuesday, October 11th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

I often hear of couples who seem mismatched when it comes to talking during sex. One of them really enjoys verbal interchanges when they are going at it. Others seem to prefer total silence. And then there is the mismatch in terms of what and how people want to talk. Some people want to use slang, street talk. They like the sound of “dirty” words. Others find that disturbing and like romantic interchanges when they are having sex. It can feel pretty unbridgeable when one partner wants to scream “fuck me harder,” and the other wants to hear “You are the only one I’ll ever love” in the throes of passion. Like everything else having to do with sex, preferences are individual and it’s okay to like what you like without having to understand it or explain it. But, like everything else having to do with a relationship, negotiating a solution that works for both of you is key. So what’s a couple to do?

This blog entry will give you some thoughts to consider for the talk/silence conundrum. The next blog entry will try to address the slutty/romantic debate.

If you’re someone who likes some talking during sex, you are in the majority. Most people don’t want absolute silence. If you are in a relationship with someone who seems to prefer silences here are some things to consider:

  1. Does your partner have no idea you want them to talk? Maybe they’d be happy to if they knew what you wanted!
  2. Maybe your partner is afraid of sounding stupid. Simple as it seems, the first time you let loose in the throes of passion, you can feel very vulnerable. What the hell did I just say???? I can’t believe I sounded like a porn star on steroids. If that’s the case, then you need to have a conversation where you tell your partner that:

    a. You are perfectly happy to be having sex with someone who sounds like a porn-star on steroids, and

    b. You know it can take a while to get your verbal rhythm going somewhere you actually want it to go so let’s try it.

  3. Maybe your partner doesn’t have a clue what to say. In that case, why don’t you make suggestions, ask questions while you’re having sex, tell a sexy story that involves input from your partner or read some erotica together so he/she gets the idea of what you’re looking for.
  4. Ascertain if there some level of performance anxiety. Is your partner afraid that if he or she is not concentrating  with all the force of concentration available to Luke Skywalker he or she won’t “get there.” If that is the case, this should be talked about and addressed in a different way. And be sensitive. Your partner might not realize this is going on.
  5. If, after all this, your partner really doesn’t want to talk, consider running an erotic video in the background so you still have the sounds of sex which make you feel sexy, or at the very least, consider some sexy music to use until you can work this out more.
  6. Take turns. As silly as it may sound you can have silent sex night and noisy sex night. Just make sure you discuss this in advance so that everyone’s expectations are met.
  7. You know, if all else fails and this is turning into a serious issue, that discussing this with a trained sex therapist is a perfectly valid alternative. For some people sex with no sound is just not fun and having your needs in this area met seems reasonable.

For the most part, in my experience, partners want you to enjoy sex and will accommodate to your needs, IF you are honest with each other as to what is going on. Saying “I’m just not into talking,” is just not enough information to address the issue.

 

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Gender Differences

Thursday, September 8th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

In a recent article by Fisher and Alexander, the researchers  posit that the differences between the sexes (in terms of sexual beliefs and practices) are really differences in perception rather than in actuality. The differences exist primarily in terms of “ gender norms” that society has created rather than in actual differences.  The authors state that the differences appear to exist in research studies because men and women report different practices.  These are in accordance with what they feel the gender norms dictate, such as men typically reporting more sexual partners, decreased age at first intercourse and more masturbation, and women reporting fewer partners, later first date of intercourse and less masturbation.

However, when the studies were created to report answers to these questions and those surveyed felt they were going to be penalized for not telling the truth, both sexes reported much more similar answers. Since number of partners and age of first intercourse require both sexes, the fact that the answers were mismatched is fairly illogical.

All in all,  it appears that men and women think about sex a similar amount, have sex a similar amount and masturbate a similar amount. Possibly the truth about our sexual practices will become more widely known. I hope it’s soon.

 

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Seeing Vaginismus Everywhere

Monday, August 29th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

My husband claims I see vaginismus everywhere. Okay. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I do….it kills me. When I see a woman who is totally avoidant of relationships I suspect she is fearful of penetration. When I see a young girl fearful of tampons, I suspect she is panicked at the idea of putting something inside.  What kills me is that I know how unbelievably treatable the condition is!! And it kills me that anyone is letting it ruin their relationships or their life.

Anyhow, last weekend I was reading a book by AS Byatt, Possession. It’s a beautiful book about two modern English researchers who are studying 2 Victorian poets who they discover had a clandestine love affair. (By the way, writing this book was no easy feat since the author had to write poems that were supposedly written by 2 separate Victorian poets in addition to writing the book around their work!) Anyhow, back to my point that my husband suspects I see vaginismus everywhere. “Hey,” I gasp, “one of the characters has vaginismus.” He smiles knowingly… “No really.” I  say. “Here. You read it!’

 

A few flames made their sinuous way upwards. She remembered her honeymoon, as she did, from time to time, and deliberately.

She did not remember it in words. There were no words attached to it, that was part of the horror. She had never spoken of it to anyone, not even to Randolph, precisely not to Randolph.

She remembered it in images. A window, in the south, all hung about with vines and creepers, with the hot summer sun fading.

The nightdress embroidered for these nights, white cambric, all spattered with lovers’ knots and forget-me-nots and roses, white on white.

A thin white animal, herself, trembling.

A complex thing, the naked male, curly hairs and shining wet, at once bovine and dolphin-like, its scent feral and overwhelming.

A large hand, held out in kindness, not once, but many times, slapped away, pushed away, slapped away.

A running creature, crouching and cowering in the corner of the room, its teeth chattering, its veins clamped in spasms, its breath shallow and fluttering. Herself.

A respite, generously agreed, glasses of golden wine, a few days of Edenic picnics, a laughing woman perched on a rock in pale blue poplin shirts, a handsome man in his whiskers, lifting her, quoting Petrarch.

An attempt. A hand not pushed away. Tendons like steel, teeth in pain, clenched, clenched.

The approach, the locked gateway, the panic, the whimpering flight.

Not once, but over and over and over.

When did he begin to know that however gentle he was, how-ever patient, it was no good, it would never be any good?

She did not like to remember his face in those days, but did, for truthfulness, the puzzled brow, the questioning tender look, the largeness of it, convicted of its brutality, rejected in its closeness.

The eagerness, the terrible love, with which she had made it up to him, his abstinence, making him a thousand small comforts, cakes and tidbits. She became his slave. Quivering at every word. He had accepted her love.

She had loved him for it.

He had loved her.


So, he did read it – and agreed I was right and it wasn’t my imagination.

I was moved because Byatt describes so dramatically and poignantly the pain and psychological damage associated with Vaginismus.

But all I could keep thinking that night and the next day was: We could have helped her! We really, really could have.

Alas and alack, there is little to no market for “fixing” fictional characters. And then poor AS Byatt would have had to rewrite the entire book.

 

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A Good Day At Our Center

Monday, August 1st, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Someone once asked me what makes a good day at our center.

 

Today is one of those days.

 

  • Today I got an e mail with a copy of a baby picture from a patient who struggled for 2 years with vaginismus. She is fine, having great sex and has a beautiful little baby girl to prove it.
  • Today we got an email from a patient with chronic pain from a severe and significant accident. Six months ago she believed she could never be approached by her husband again and that she’d never had an orgasm again. She and her husband were so sad that this part of their life was over. They just emailed from vacation. They are having sex (albeit with some modifications) and she is having orgasms again. They feel like they have been given an incredible gift.
  • Today I received an email from a young woman who sat in our office 4 years ago sobbing. Her marriage was ending because of her inability to have intercourse and her low desire. She felt hopeless, beyond help and so very alone. She emailed to tell me that those problems are far behind her. She is in a new, wonderful, supportive relationship. No pain. No problems with desire. She is starting a new chapter in her life.

 

So on those frustrating days when I am sitting across from someone who is struggling and whom we are struggling with to help find the right solution, I just have to remember these days. Because when you help someone restore their sex life you have given them a powerful reminder of just how great life can be!

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Dr. Stephen Snyder writes on “simmering.”

Monday, December 6th, 2010 by Stephen Snyder, MD

Here is a wonderful introduction to the idea of “simmering,” slowly meandering around the periphery of arousal as a path to “just desserts” at a different time.  Enjoy this beautifully rendered piece by Dr. Snyder:

A train in motion

On the B train, one hot summer Sunday afternoon. I’m bringing my children and a few of their friends back to Manhattan, after a long day at the beach in Brooklyn.

There’s a young couple standing near the exit door, sharing an ipod headset. Each with an earpiece in one ear — the two of them tethered together by the cords of the headset.

She’s leaning against the wall, sweat-soaked in a T-shirt and shorts. He’s a few inches shorter, wearing sandals, beach clothes, and long hair. His hands are resting lightly on her hips. Her arms are draped over his shoulders.

They seem entirely absorbed in the music, the motion of the subway car, and each other. Their eyes, half-shut, are out-of-focus, dreamy. They’re both wearing goofy, crooked smiles – as if sharing some silly secret. They look as if they might easily miss their stop.

Amidst the noise of the children, and the rocking and bouncing of the subway car, it would be easy for this couple to pass unnoticed. But there is something about them that holds my attention. A certain aura.

It’s sex, of course. Their goofy smiles, their dreamy manner. Definitely sex. They’re fully clothed, standing up and doing nothing obviously improper, but definitely enjoying a long moment of sexual arousal on the trip home from the beach.

Turning away self-consciously, I realize I’m not the only one watching this couple. The young children are oblivious, of course. But all the adults in the car are clearly aware of what’s going on. Everyone is stealing glances at them, transfixed by the same sexual vibration. Their sexual aura is now general throughout the subway car. I fear we will all miss our stops.

Sexual arousal is more than just sex

As I wrote in an earlier article, the secrets of sexual arousal are hidden in plain sight – and completely obvious once we know to look for them. Sexual arousal, if all goes according to nature’s plan, makes us dumb and happy, absorbed and distracted. We miss our subway stops, and arrive somewhere far uptown wondering what happened to us.

Most of us learn that to succeed in a fast-paced world we need to make all our subway stops. We learn that we don’t really have time for arousal. Many modern couples hurry through sex, without letting themselves get very aroused — then wonder where their sexual magic has gone.

In my sex therapy practice, I teach couples a technique for cultivating arousal even when they don’t have the time or energy for sex. The technique, which in sex therapy circles is called “simmering,” is a foundation technique for preserving a couple’s sexual bond. Good simmering can be nearly as important in this regard as good lovemaking.

What the couple I’ve described on the subway was doing — enjoying arousal for its own sake — is something every couple can do in the morning together, getting ready to leave for work; or while clearing the dishes after dinner.  All that’s necessary is to recognize that there’s more to sexual arousal than just sex.

For 21st Century couples in the age of the Blackberry, it’s likely to be the simmering that holds us together. In the next blog article, we’ll discuss simmering in more detail.

Stay tuned.

Copyright © Stephen Snyder, MD 2010, New York City
www.sexualityresource.com

Follow Dr Snyder on twitter:  www.twitter.com/SexualityToday

www.centerforfemalesexuality.com


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Sex = Love?

Thursday, October 28th, 2010 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Does sex equal love in a romantic relationship?

Okay—most people would roll their eyes if you asked them that. OF COURSE sex does not equal love. Sex is sex and love is love.  Yet… when one partner does not want to have sex with the other partner, there can often get translated into a lack of love or lack of passion.

The bottom line is no matter how often someone tells their significant other “It’s not you. Really. I just don’t want to have sex at all,” the partner still hears.: “he doesn’t really want me. He’s not that into me. He obviously isn’t attracted enough to me. If I was really attractive, if he really thought I was sexy, if he really loved me, he’d want me.”

Here’s the deal. We want to be wanted. We need to be wanted. And most of us yearn to be wanted in the most fundamental, elemental, intimate ways possible. And that, like it or not, translates into sex. Many, many people cannot live in a relationship without having the kind of affirmative, intimate connection that sex affords.

So I guess if pressed I’d say: Yea, sometimes sex does equal love.

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How much is enough….sex?

Thursday, July 1st, 2010 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

The question always comes up:  what’s the “right” amount of sex?

At nearly every lecture I give, at some point, I get the question: “so how often is normal?” It’s the kind of questions we sex educators hate. Really. The honest truth is that couples vary so widely in their sexual desires and habits that defining the “norm” seems ludicrous.

I have had couples who have sex once a month and when that is good and satisfying that works just fine for both of them. I’ve had couples who really and truly like to have sex a few times a day.

 However,  people invariably push me to answer and I hate to be one of those namby-pamby “everything is okay and good” type of practitioners. I don’t always find that to be the most helpful approach.

The truth is there really do appear to be some norms. The reality is that, given the hundreds of couples I’ve seen, what seems to be the average amount of sexual activity (in a long term relationship where the sex is going well) seems to be somewhere between 1-3 times a week. So, there it is.

In a book by Laura Berman I saw  a paragraph where she suggests (after the disclaimer we all make—see above) that in her experience most couples should have some type of sexual activity at least once every two weeks or things often seem to go awry.

 So there you have it. Hopefully you now feel “normal.” The more important question is,  are you happy? Does your current level of sexual activity satisfy you and your partner?  If not, that is something you should look into because that is something you can do something about!

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