Posts Tagged ‘orgasm’

More About Orgasms

Tuesday, December 20th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Mary  Roach, author of Bonk (which you should read if you have the time… I have a review of the book somewhere on this blog!), does a 15 minute review of 10 Things You Should Know About Orgasm.

Okay… you might be able to live without all 10 but I found the clip amusing and yes… a tad informative (especially if you are fascinated by the clitoris of a pig). But once again it makes the point that orgasm is a complicated and fascinating topic that sometimes boggles the mind.

Enjoy it.

http://www.ted.com/talks/mary_roach_10_things_you_didn_t_know_about_orgasm.html

Post Orgasm Crunch – Is it a New Cereal?

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Today we had an hysterical appointment with a patient where we created the new sensation, “post orgasm crunch”… okay. I’ll be honest. It wasn’t a new sensation but a problem that needed to be solved.

The patient was talking about the fact that when she is having intercourse with her husband she will sometimes have an orgasm and that any thrusting he does immediately afterwards is very painful to her. As a result he will need to pull out which, as you can well imagine, doesn’t always  work so well for him. I suggested at our last appointment that instead of having him pull out he just stay still for 20-30 seconds. It’s working well for the patient.

However, when she came in today and I asked her how the whole “post orgasm crunch” thing was going, she first looked at me blankly and then burst into peals of laughter. “Sounds like a cereal,” she said and the marketing possibilities had us all in stitches for the next few minutes.

All joking aside, each woman’s vagina seems to react differently to orgasm. Some women say their vagina relaxes and loosens up and intercourse is more comfortable after orgasm. For other women (and this patient was one example),  the orgasm tenses the vagina and makes penetration more challenging. So which woman are you?

Sex and the Vibrator Movie

Tuesday, September 6th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

I admit it. I have been waiting all my life (okay, maybe just the last 10 years) for someone to make a quality film about the incredibly interesting history of vibrators. Really. I’m not kidding.

And finally, someone is doing it. (Well, I can’t actually vouch that it’s quality, but it is a real film). Maggie Gyllenhaal, the beautiful, feisty, funny and sexy chick from Secretary (another blog post on the feminist aspects of BDSM in the future, I promise) is going ahead and starring in a movie called Hysteria, about vibrators. Imagine a rom-com about the vibrator history. Someone order the popcorn! http://www.aceshowbiz.com/news/view/w0005673.html

So why do I feel like somehow the world is really not complete without a movie about vibrators? Because in my heart of hearts I believe that the vibrator is to the over-30 clitoris what eyeglasses are to over 15-year-old eyes. They can change your life. They make things easier, clearer and more beautiful.

Here’s the real deal. We live in a ridiculously androcentric sexual universe. Put another way, we have allowed men and the media to define sex as vaginal intercourse. If you asked a typical person on the street (male or female) to tell you what the basic requirement or ingredients of “sex” are, no doubt you’d hear something like “man put penis in vagina. Man ejaculates.” Hmmmm… Why would the answer not be “partner massages vulva and clitoris until the women reaches orgasm.” But let’s just be honest, one in 1000 people would answer that way and the one person would probably turn out to be me, a member of our staff or my family. No one answers that way! Worse, no one thinks that way.

So, if say, we were to flip that way of thinking onto its head and suggest that perhaps a woman’s orgasm should be an actual primary component of our sexual definition, well then that changes the equation – totally.  Intercourse is, without question, one of the least efficient and effective means of women achieving orgasm. 33.3 percent (that’s 3/10 women for those of you with math challenges) actually can have an orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Compare that statistic to 96.5%… the number of women who can achieve orgasm with a vibrator.

So, if you were a professional dealing with that statistic daily, wouldn’t you want there to be more understanding, acceptance, and use of perhaps the best invention since the light bulb?

Perhaps a mainstream movie might accomplish what is so hard for so many of us professionally in the field. Perhaps there will be just a little nudge in the direction of understanding and accepting female sexuality in all its complicated and misunderstood glory.

Adversity and Desire

Monday, August 8th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

It happens all the time. A tearful, distraught woman sits down and informs us that:

Her husband is leaving her/has left her.

Her husband is having/was having an affair.

She believes this is due to the fact that they haven’t had sex in (you fill in the blank: 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 11 years.)

The funny thing, she’ll say, is that her sex drive (the lack of which caused all the problems) has miraculously re-emerged. Now, on top of every other painful emotion she is experiencing (abandonment, anger, betrayal, sadness, fury) she feels crazy and distorted.

Now my sex drive is working????? Am I crazy?

No. You’re not crazy. Not only are you not crazy, but nearly every other woman we’ve seen in the same situation feels similarly. (A variation of the theme is that after their first appointment with us, their sex drive comes back and they think we are genius miracle workers.)

Okay. So now you (the reader) are probably saying something like: “Yea. We all want what we can’t have.” Or “it’s the competition thing going.” Well, that’s probably right, but it doesn’t actually explain anything nor does it account for such a sudden and extreme shift in what these women feel as a physical reality. Some of them are getting wet for the first time in years and having orgasms easily when they couldn’t before.

Helen Fisher  (noted sociologist) wrote in “Why we Love”, “As adversity [in relationships] intensifies, so does romantic passion. This phenomenon is so common in literature and in life that I coined a term for it: ‘frustration attraction.’” She then goes on to explain how when we suffer a disappointment or a delay in reward, the dopamine procuring neurons in our brains prolong their  activities- increasing brain levels of the natural stimulant “ And very high levels of  dopamine are associated with intense motivation and goal directed behavior”  — and I will add here, arousal and orgasm.

So here we have it yet again. Is it something physical or psychological? I don’t really know the answer. I only know that the two are becoming more and more intrinsically linked in the way we practice here at the Center and I only wish we knew more.

I’ve Been Converted

Friday, August 5th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

At the Medical Center I recently saw a patient who had rarely used vibrators. She came to see us to try to improve her orgasms, which had become weaker and taking her longer to achieve.  We often see this in women as they age; sometimes it is a shift in hormones, which we can address, and sometimes a woman just needs more intense stimulation. This particular woman had never had any difficulty having orgasms before, so understandably she was distraught.  We have several treatments for this issue, one of which is a vibrator.

If we feel a vibrator is needed, we generally select a few vibrators we think would best suit the patient and allow them to try them while in our office. We have many types to choose from:  small, large, internal and external, for individual use and some for use with a partner. I chose a few and set her up in the exam room. Women generally try a few and then turn on a light in the exam room to let us know when they are done.

I will never forget her face when I came back to get her.

She shook my hand repeatedly and kept saying, “Thank you!”.  I have certainly heard this from women who have never had orgasms before and suddenly have one with a strong vibrator, but this was something different. And what was different was that she said, ” I have been converted!”. She said that she had tried one or two vibrators in her life, but she had never really been into using one. But there were several she tried with us that were both fun and made her feel even better!

The great thing about one’s sexuality is that it is constantly changing. As we age our bodies change. Our desire, fantasies and lives change so it makes perfect sense that what might have turned you on at one point doesn’t anymore. It  is great to offer women new and different ways to experience pleasure, even ways that they had tried previously and never enjoyed. Be open and try new things…you never know what you might find.

A Good Day At Our Center

Monday, August 1st, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Someone once asked me what makes a good day at our center.

 

Today is one of those days.

 

  • Today I got an e mail with a copy of a baby picture from a patient who struggled for 2 years with vaginismus. She is fine, having great sex and has a beautiful little baby girl to prove it.
  • Today we got an email from a patient with chronic pain from a severe and significant accident. Six months ago she believed she could never be approached by her husband again and that she’d never had an orgasm again. She and her husband were so sad that this part of their life was over. They just emailed from vacation. They are having sex (albeit with some modifications) and she is having orgasms again. They feel like they have been given an incredible gift.
  • Today I received an email from a young woman who sat in our office 4 years ago sobbing. Her marriage was ending because of her inability to have intercourse and her low desire. She felt hopeless, beyond help and so very alone. She emailed to tell me that those problems are far behind her. She is in a new, wonderful, supportive relationship. No pain. No problems with desire. She is starting a new chapter in her life.

 

So on those frustrating days when I am sitting across from someone who is struggling and whom we are struggling with to help find the right solution, I just have to remember these days. Because when you help someone restore their sex life you have given them a powerful reminder of just how great life can be!

Is Orgasm Important?

Thursday, June 30th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

 

This always come up. How important is having an orgasm to a woman’s sexual experience? I get asked it time and again and I’m never quite sure how to answer the question.

On the one hand the politically correct answer seems to be “oh, no. Don’t be so orgasm focused, sex is about a wide range of pleasure, and orgasm is really only one measure. We’ve become too orgasm—and goal focused in our society . Think of orgasm as just one of the many pleasures sex has to hold.”

Okay – so that’s the politically correct answer. Now what do I really and truly think?

I’m not sure.

On the one hand, I think it’s true that, as a society, we have gotten fairly goal oriented in our sexual behavior. On the other hand most women will tell you that sexual activity without an orgasm at the end can be incredibly frustrating, not really very different from a guy who doesn’t ejaculate during his sexual activity.

Also, the studies I’ve seen seem to suggest that there is a significant correlation between women who have orgasm and the frequency of sexual encounters during their life. Basically the women who have orgasms have more sex.

For women who have regular orgasms that’s no surprise. Most of them would look at you as though you had three heads if you suggested sex without orgasm on a regular basis. Are you nuts? That’s the best part!

So I guess when push comes to shove, I’m solidly in the “pro-orgasm” camp. I think sex is much better for women who have orgasms, I think most women can be taught to have orgasms without too much work and I think that all things being equal, orgasm is an important part of sex. I also think that suggesting otherwise is a bit patronizing to women.

However, I’ll temper my statements, as I often do… like everything else, the preference for orgasm is individual. Just have fun.

Human Sexual Response

Tuesday, April 19th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

Masters and Johnson (1970), the pioneering sex researchers, described a woman’s cycles of sexual arousal as having several phases. They believed that women moved through each phase in a linear fashion. They called this cycle the “human sexual response cycle.”

The phases are described as

1) the excitement phase: this phase is marked by an elevated heart rate, faster breathing, increased blood pressure, blood flow to the genitals and vaginal lubrication.

2) the plateau phase: this is essentially just a higher level of arousal.

3) the orgasm or climax phase

4) the resolution phase: during this phase the body will return to the pre-aroused state.

The delineation of this cycle was helpful in assisting some individuals in understanding their sexual responses, however, a lot more has been uncovered in the last 40 years. Many women do not go through all these phases and most do not necessarily go through them in a linear fashion. Some women never have orgasms yet have desire and arousal. It is possible that that progression from desire, through arousal to orgasm may be more characteristic of men than women. Another researcher, named Basson, states, “There is an unfounded assumption that desire always proceeds arousal, which precedes orgasm… It is often the case that arousal precedes desire. The physical aspect of sexual activity can lead to feelings of arousal, which can facilitate desire and a wish to continue sexual activity”. So a new model now exists where arousal and desire co-exist and reinforce each other.

This is important in the treatment of female sexual dysfunction because we may need to assist women with low desire or lack of arousal from a multitude of angles. The mythology around sexual response can be very damaging. Many women feel they should experience sex or their sexuality in a certain way. Every woman is unique. And ultimately sexuality is multi-faceted. Desire, arousal, and orgasms are all overlapping parts of a sexual whole.

Form and Function

Tuesday, April 12th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW


An aspect of the female orgasm that I find compelling is why it even exists. Of course it makes sex profoundly more enjoyable. So from an evolutionary standpoint the more a woman wants to have sex the more her chances of procreating increase. However, unlike the male orgasm which is necessary for procreation, the female orgasm is not.

One researcher hypothesizes that the female orgasm helps maintains vaginal functionality. I would argue with that slightly because you can maintain vaginal health with use which does not culminate in orgasm. However orgasms will potentially make that process more enjoyable.

Another researcher named Baker states, “that the female orgasm has evolved to selectively retain sperm and manipulate competition between sperm from insemination by different men. He argues, “that it could be advantageous for women to be different from each other in their sexual responsiveness, (e.g. to ensure insemination by a highly skilled partner, to avoid pair bonding to a male who is unlikely to invest in offspring.” These are not particularly conclusive studies but the question of why some women do and some women don’t is pretty interesting.

The great news is that with vibrators many women who previously couldn’t, now can.

Orgasm: Fact and Fiction

Tuesday, April 5th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

Since I started working at the Center I have grown increasingly interested in the female orgasm. Why are women and men obsessed with having an orgasm during intercourse when research has proven that only 33 percent of women can? What determines who can and who can’t? It turns out that genes play a big role in orgasm patterns overall.

In a study by Dunn, Cherkas and Spector it was determined that the ability to orgasm is 30 percent determined by your genes. The rest may be due to other factors, physiological, environment, psychological, situational, hormonal and other things as well.

The really fascinating part for me is why there is such mythology about women achieving an orgasm during intercourse. Does it seem more romantic? Does it seem more natural? Does it seem hotter? Do people think if they could they could orgasm simultaneously with their partners, the intercourse would be better? Simultaneous orgasms rarely happen with partners who can orgasm from intercourse. And oddly, there is no word in the English language for this experience. So that might communicate just how rare it is.

There are many ways in which women blame themselves for their sexual problems, and demean themselves based on this unreasonable goal of achieving orgasm during intercourse. MY goal is to present the facts and explore why this myth might exist. If you have any thoughts on why this is so widespread, let me know.