Posts Tagged ‘monogamy’

On Learning to Kiss and Other Fables

Tuesday, August 16th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

A woman I know told me the following story which I thought was wonderful. She has been dating a guy for the past few months who (by all accounts) seems like a keeper. They have a lovely relationship.

One day a week or two ago they were on the phone and he said, “You know, I never asked you this, but do you like the way I kiss?” She stopped for a moment and then decided to do something really radical.

She decided to tell the truth.

“No. Not really honey.” There was a moment of dead silence on the other end of the phone. Then, “Okay. Why?” “Well, you keep your mouth too closed, kind of scrunched up….” He started to laugh. “I’m so glad you’re telling me. “ He said. “I’ve been so nervous. My ex-wife used to think my mouth was too open all the time, so I’ve been trying really hard not to open it!”  The two of them laughed  and the next time they were together… well you can guess the rest of this story.

So what’s my point? That things really can’t get better unless you decide to ‘fess up and tell the truth when there’s a problem. Try telling the full unadulterated truth next time, and let me know what happens.

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Online Dating Part 2: My response to Online Dating in the New Yorker (A little Different Than Paumgarten)

Wednesday, July 27th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

Online dating is one of the best things to come out of the explosion of communication and social media ventures. As the number of people you know becomes smaller over time, the number of single friends you have may also become more limited.  So with online dating that pool of available single people always remains fairly large (or larger) than the group of people you already know, and as a single person you can continue to meet people you would never come into contact with. Paumgarten states a very important statistic in his recent article about online dating in the New Yorker, “1 in 6 marriages is the result of online dating”.

Millions of couples have met, married and stayed married from online introductions. As a therapist who works in the field of relationships and sexuality, I think anyone can meet and marry. The complicated part is to stay married if that is what you want. I look forward to longitudinal studies done on couples who met online versus those who met other ways and how they all fare over time. I think the way a couple meets is probably not predictive in one way or another of how successful they will be, but it would certainly be interesting to see if it is.

Online dating is the most popular way for couples to meet today. Young people will never know the stigma once attached to online dating, and in my opinion that is a great thing.   Many people, young and old, have had bad online experiences, but I would say the exact same statistics hold for meeting someone through a friend, family or at a bar. Relationships are complicated because people are complicated, and in general I feel that most people reveal only what they are comfortable revealing. So the process of discovering or uncovering another person and assessing if they are a good match for you remains one of life’s great mysteries. Online dating  just makes the whole process a little more accessible.

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Monogamy

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

So we’re back to monogamy again… someone said to me recently that they are afraid of committing to one person for the rest of their life and I got to thinking about all the studies that say that people with one steady partner overall rate their sexual satisfaction higher than those who don’t have one. So I’m thinking… it’s true, nothing’s perfect but monogamy at least gives you someone to start with! When you are in a long term committed relationship there are ups and downs sexually, (no pun intended, although that’s true too,) and there is often the concern about monotony. The couples who seem to be most successful are the ones who give the issue some thought and challenge each other to try new things out or have sex with variations. Clearly, they don’t think about this all the time, but once a year, or once every few years, someone in the couple take the initiative to “shake it up a little.” Often that can give their sex life a new direction or just a new laugh, which can make a difference for a looonnnggg time.

 

So those of you who are in monogamous relationships… go for it.

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Flying might not be all it's cracked up to be.

Monday, March 24th, 2008 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

You  may want to check out this week’s NY Time’s Week In Review.

Basically, the article points out that among all the jokes and innuendos the people on the street are making about wayward love lives of our politicians, there lies a small fear that perhaps we, with our much more prosaic sex lives, are somehow deficient or missing out on something. Hogwash. Just a reminder: If the statistic is that 35% of men have had affairs and 25% of women…. THEN it stands to reason that 65% of men and 75% pf women have never had an affair AND it stands to reason that AT ANY GIVEN TIME 95% of everyone is not having an affair! So stand tall all of you monogamous, happily partnered friends –there is nothing to fear but fear itself!

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Monogamy or why do we need to look in other people's bedrooms?

Wednesday, March 19th, 2008 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Hey did you see yesterday’s Times article — In Most Species, Faithfulness Is  a Fantasy?

Basically, in order to find a species that was always faithful, Natalie Angier had to resort to citing the “flatworm that lives in the gills of freshwater fish.” So who are we kidding and why are we all so prurient in our need to follow other people’s sex lives, and so incredibly judgemental when we find out about other people’s affairs (which are none of our business.)

Look, I’m a fan of monogamy. I like having sex with one person. I think it’s comfortable, fun, reliable, allows me to be more experimental, allows me to be totally trusting and sometimes it’s, let’s face it, just plain cozy. And I know a whole bunch of other people that feel the same way. My husband would say it’s morally and ethically correct. That having been said I think it’s probably an unrealistic expectation for many people and to set it up as the gold standard for our judgement of others may not be either realistic, practical or wise. And maybe, it’s none of our business. Why are we all so fascinated by what’s happening in everyone else’s bedroom?

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