Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

A Good Day At Our Center

Monday, August 1st, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Someone once asked me what makes a good day at our center.

 

Today is one of those days.

 

  • Today I got an e mail with a copy of a baby picture from a patient who struggled for 2 years with vaginismus. She is fine, having great sex and has a beautiful little baby girl to prove it.
  • Today we got an email from a patient with chronic pain from a severe and significant accident. Six months ago she believed she could never be approached by her husband again and that she’d never had an orgasm again. She and her husband were so sad that this part of their life was over. They just emailed from vacation. They are having sex (albeit with some modifications) and she is having orgasms again. They feel like they have been given an incredible gift.
  • Today I received an email from a young woman who sat in our office 4 years ago sobbing. Her marriage was ending because of her inability to have intercourse and her low desire. She felt hopeless, beyond help and so very alone. She emailed to tell me that those problems are far behind her. She is in a new, wonderful, supportive relationship. No pain. No problems with desire. She is starting a new chapter in her life.

 

So on those frustrating days when I am sitting across from someone who is struggling and whom we are struggling with to help find the right solution, I just have to remember these days. Because when you help someone restore their sex life you have given them a powerful reminder of just how great life can be!

Online Dating Part 2: My response to Online Dating in the New Yorker (A little Different Than Paumgarten)

Wednesday, July 27th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

Online dating is one of the best things to come out of the explosion of communication and social media ventures. As the number of people you know becomes smaller over time, the number of single friends you have may also become more limited.  So with online dating that pool of available single people always remains fairly large (or larger) than the group of people you already know, and as a single person you can continue to meet people you would never come into contact with. Paumgarten states a very important statistic in his recent article about online dating in the New Yorker, “1 in 6 marriages is the result of online dating”.

Millions of couples have met, married and stayed married from online introductions. As a therapist who works in the field of relationships and sexuality, I think anyone can meet and marry. The complicated part is to stay married if that is what you want. I look forward to longitudinal studies done on couples who met online versus those who met other ways and how they all fare over time. I think the way a couple meets is probably not predictive in one way or another of how successful they will be, but it would certainly be interesting to see if it is.

Online dating is the most popular way for couples to meet today. Young people will never know the stigma once attached to online dating, and in my opinion that is a great thing.   Many people, young and old, have had bad online experiences, but I would say the exact same statistics hold for meeting someone through a friend, family or at a bar. Relationships are complicated because people are complicated, and in general I feel that most people reveal only what they are comfortable revealing. So the process of discovering or uncovering another person and assessing if they are a good match for you remains one of life’s great mysteries. Online dating  just makes the whole process a little more accessible.

Online Dating in the New Yorker

Monday, July 25th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

The recent article on online dating in the New Yorker by Nick Paumgarten was most interesting for its research. I had never heard about the history of online dating, and I was certainly not aware of the complicated algorithms that underpin the search process. He explained it all in a really interesting and accessible way. He also interviews many of the creators of on line dating, such as those behind Ok Cupid and Helen Fisher (who created the intake forms for Chemistry.com).  The article is much more about the mechanics behind online dating than a real look at the experience of it.

Paumgarten only includes a few anecdotes of online daters which seem rather negative. He interviews two women in detail. The first is an older woman of 76 who speaks about the experience as being disheartening and containing a system whose code she can’t crack. The second tells him about going to Brazil after a few interactions with a man and having it end  badly, though she claims she would do it all again for the thrill of the adventure. This is hardly a well-rounded selection. His attempt to represent the positive side of the experience includes one line. He says, ”The success story is the standard of the genre”, but in direct opposition to that point he seems to focus on the fact that the internet is overpopulated by available women and a limited supply of men. This also seems to skew the whole depiction, as does his focus on older men choosing younger women. The beauty of the whole process is that is epitomizes self selection.

Thankfully, he was transparent about his lack of personal dating experience both online and off.  He explains that he has been on only two dates and one of them was with his wife. As someone who has been married most of his adult life and chosen a mate probably more on access than on analysis, his view is certainly limited, though his research is worth the read.

More on this in my next entry…

Oh What a Difference Some Testosterone Makes!

Thursday, April 15th, 2010 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

A female patient just told me the following story. She thought her husband of 15 years was having an affair. He hadn’t been acting suspiciously or working late. He just was less demonstrative, less loving and seemed way less interested in sex. They  had always enjoyed a fun sex life. He usually initiated sex but sometimes she did as well and they would have sex about twice a week. Now he never initiated and when she did, he acted pressured or distracted. If she didn’t initiate two weeks could go by without having sex. She was confused and hurt and so, so sad.

 She finally approached him and asked if he was having an affair. He was stunned and assured her that he loved her as much as always – but when she pointed out to him that their sex life had dwindled to nothing he seemed even more stunned. She was right and he somehow hadn’t noticed. He was pretty shaken up and tried after that to be more interested in their sex life, but it was a chore and it showed. We suggested that he see Dr. Werner and after a few months of gentle prodding he did go. Low and behold… he had low testosterone. (I could have told her that!)

 Well, he’s been on testosterone now for 4 months and she said he’s a changed man. He is initiating and they are back to having fun sex. Even more, the teasing and the playfulness has returned to their marriage. They are both so much happier. Her face lit up as she told me this story. And once again, (I know that sometimes I sound like a broken record,) the sex has made such a big difference in so many aspects of their marriage and their lives!

Why I’m Not as Crazy as I Thought

Monday, April 5th, 2010 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

The following is a blog entry written by a patient at MCFS.  Later this week we will post another entry by the same patient, reporting on her progress.  This was written in October 2009

For about 14 years now I have been told constantly that things are in my head. Stomach cramps-must be stress, acne- must be stress, extreme exhaustion-stress, canker sores- stress, breathing issues- stress, and most recently, no interest in sex - stress and depression. 

But recentl, for the first time in my life, someone found a real reason something was going wrong.  And I could not be happier. 

My life in general is amazing. I have a loving doting husband, two beautiful children, a wonderful home, and a fine job. And yet, depression, being overweight, exhaustion and a low sex drive have plagued my life. With some strong encouragement from my husband, who is tired of feeling physically and sexually rejected, I went to the Medical Center for Female Sexuality.  And,  for the first time, someone checked my hormone levels. No one before had ever thought to stick a needle in my arm and actually see what was going on in there. They just made me pop pills and sit in front of therapists and talk and talk and talk. None of which did much except put band-aids over the problems and cause me to doubt myself more and more. With each passing day I would feel less competent, less self-confident, and more sure that I was just crazy, that many of the simple pleasures in life were out of my grasp and this was my destiny.

But yesterday that all changed.

Yesterday 2 doctors sat me down and showed me my lab results. My hormones are a mess. My thyroid is inactive and I have almost no testosterone. There is something wrong with me! I cried the whole way home for the office, grateful to God that there is an end in sight.

The journey ahead will be difficult, hormone therapy will be tough and I’m not so excited about the potential side effects. But it will all be worth it.

Monogamy or why do we need to look in other people's bedrooms?

Wednesday, March 19th, 2008 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Hey did you see yesterday’s Times article — In Most Species, Faithfulness Is  a Fantasy?

Basically, in order to find a species that was always faithful, Natalie Angier had to resort to citing the “flatworm that lives in the gills of freshwater fish.” So who are we kidding and why are we all so prurient in our need to follow other people’s sex lives, and so incredibly judgemental when we find out about other people’s affairs (which are none of our business.)

Look, I’m a fan of monogamy. I like having sex with one person. I think it’s comfortable, fun, reliable, allows me to be more experimental, allows me to be totally trusting and sometimes it’s, let’s face it, just plain cozy. And I know a whole bunch of other people that feel the same way. My husband would say it’s morally and ethically correct. That having been said I think it’s probably an unrealistic expectation for many people and to set it up as the gold standard for our judgement of others may not be either realistic, practical or wise. And maybe, it’s none of our business. Why are we all so fascinated by what’s happening in everyone else’s bedroom?