Often times I’ll tell patients with children  that they need to schedule specific times for sex. They will look at me quizzically, not quite getting what I am suggesting. “Good sex” in our society is so often synonymous with “spontaneous sex,” that to suggest scheduling sex, is almost like suggesting sex with your clothes on.

So first of all, let me assure you that sex with some clothes on can be plenty sexy! Second… here’s a secret: if you have little kids and you don’t schedule specific times for sex… the likelihood of your actually ever having sex is about the same as winning the State Lottery. Not so good.

The reality is that if having sex in your marriage is important — and in most cases it really and truly is — you’re going to have to include it as if it’s a “must do,” and schedule it in. That means sitting down and picking a time both of you think will work (not still at the office, not exhausted, no kids banging at the door,) and make concrete arrangements to make it possible. (A babysitter? A lock? A nap first?) Then you need to make this a (nearly) unbreakable commitment.

Don’t worry. It gets easier. And you may even find that scheduled sex can be as hot as the spontaneous kind. And guess what? In 20 years or so when your kids move out, you can always go back to the spontaneous kind!!