Posts Tagged ‘low sexual desire’

Musings on Where Desire Comes From

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

I have been struggling mightily recently with a spate of Ultra-Orthodox women who are completely desireless… I mean totally, completely. Almost asexual. I told my husband the other night that I am embarrassed to admit it but I sometimes despair when I’m working with these patients. We help, but it’s such a struggle. Sometimes I feel like I’m clawing my way up a canyon with nowhere to catch an initial holding. It’s almost like some of these women grew up in an emotional vacuum and they don’t even know what they are looking for. It’s crazy. And I feel so powerless. They look at me and say “I want to want sex. Make me want to have sex.” But then they don’t want to be touched, kissed, stroked… nothing.

But it all gets back to the big question of where desire comes from. Can it be totally shut down? Is it partially learned??? It’s definitely party physical because it does seem that the really problematic ones are all really, really thin. So maybe if you have some normal hormones, you can overcome a completely sensate-free existence… but then maybe you still need to be EXPOSED in some way to romance or sexuality to be able to know what you are aiming for.

Asexuality

Friday, August 12th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

The concept of asexuality first came to my attention a few months ago when I began to see a young woman who was struggling with the fact that she felt no desire to be sexual.  As a teenager she felt ostracized from having no interest in sex of any kind.  Her girlfriends were all talking about hook-ups and sex while she had very little interest in boys.  Even when she had experiences with them, she felt it was boring.  As we began to work together it became clear that she had spent a great deal of time both worrying about her lack of desire and researching it.

She spoke at length about a web site called AVEN.  AVEN defines itself as, “the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. AVEN strives to create open, honest discussion about asexuality among sexual and asexual people alike.” AVEN is a great resource for individuals struggling with asexuality.

An asexual, as defined by AVEN is, “someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently. Asexuality is just beginning to be the subject of scientific research.”

AVEN seems to have been a starting point for several women I treat,  yet it leaves many questions unanswered. It is limited in getting to the deeper issues around desire. In my practice at the Center we view desire as a multi-faceted condition; we do a thorough evaluation to uncover what might be causing a lack of desire.  It is obviously different in each person.  We do start from the assumption that most individuals want to have desire and that we can work through a process to help them discover or reclaim it, but if one feels that they have no desire and would rather embrace it, that is a fine choice too.

As a sexuality counselor, this idea of asexuality poses a unique set of questions. I see women all the time who have low libido or non-existent libido.  What makes one person asexual and another person an individual struggling with a lack of desire?  Ultimately it is personal decision and I hope that each person finds what they are seeking.  If you have no interest in sex or sexuality or in having a sexual relationship, perhaps the term asexual is a good one.  If you are someone who is struggling with a lack of desire and you would like to feel differently than you do, I would probably not use the term asexual.  Either way, you can always reach out for help to gain tools and support for what you are struggling with.  Struggling alone is what concerns me the most; with help you can come to a place of greater comfort with yourself and whatever choices you decide to make.

Adversity and Desire

Monday, August 8th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

It happens all the time. A tearful, distraught woman sits down and informs us that:

Her husband is leaving her/has left her.

Her husband is having/was having an affair.

She believes this is due to the fact that they haven’t had sex in (you fill in the blank: 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 11 years.)

The funny thing, she’ll say, is that her sex drive (the lack of which caused all the problems) has miraculously re-emerged. Now, on top of every other painful emotion she is experiencing (abandonment, anger, betrayal, sadness, fury) she feels crazy and distorted.

Now my sex drive is working????? Am I crazy?

No. You’re not crazy. Not only are you not crazy, but nearly every other woman we’ve seen in the same situation feels similarly. (A variation of the theme is that after their first appointment with us, their sex drive comes back and they think we are genius miracle workers.)

Okay. So now you (the reader) are probably saying something like: “Yea. We all want what we can’t have.” Or “it’s the competition thing going.” Well, that’s probably right, but it doesn’t actually explain anything nor does it account for such a sudden and extreme shift in what these women feel as a physical reality. Some of them are getting wet for the first time in years and having orgasms easily when they couldn’t before.

Helen Fisher  (noted sociologist) wrote in “Why we Love”, “As adversity [in relationships] intensifies, so does romantic passion. This phenomenon is so common in literature and in life that I coined a term for it: ‘frustration attraction.’” She then goes on to explain how when we suffer a disappointment or a delay in reward, the dopamine procuring neurons in our brains prolong their  activities- increasing brain levels of the natural stimulant “ And very high levels of  dopamine are associated with intense motivation and goal directed behavior”  — and I will add here, arousal and orgasm.

So here we have it yet again. Is it something physical or psychological? I don’t really know the answer. I only know that the two are becoming more and more intrinsically linked in the way we practice here at the Center and I only wish we knew more.

Hormones: The base coat paint

Thursday, May 26th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

 

Plain and simple, hormones seem to be the base coat paint for our sexual functioning. They have such a significant impact on who we are and how we react to things that when they are low or missing or if we have too much, nothing really seems to go right. We can get anxious, moody, depressed, lethargic, overly excitable and can lose our sex drive.  Exactly how hormones work on the brain, how they interact with each other and what specific quantities people need to “work right” is still being studied. There’s so much we don’t know. But for those of us in the field of sexuality it is becoming clearer and clearer that without a proper hormonal profile the odds that sexual problems will present themselves go way up.

Sometimes people are skeptical. How can hormones really matter that much? Especially with sex, people are very quick to say “oh, that’s ridiculous. It’s all about the relationship. “ Or they believe it’s all about the person’s confidence, or emotional make-up.

But that is simply ignoring basic truths that we understand about our bodies.  Consider this:

When kids go through adolescence we expect that they will all of a sudden have an interest in sex. Or, if they were a young child with an early interest in sex, we expect their interest will increase significantly, after all they are “going through puberty.”  Hmmmm…. What exactly is puberty? It’s an increase in those hormones that make you interested in sex! And what is our immediate reaction when we see an 18 year old boy ogling a girl? We are amused, and assume that his “hormones are going through the roof.” In so many ways we acknowledge that hormones are the engine that powers the sex drive. We are okay with that. And we understand it to be true.

But somehow, as soon as it comes to understanding the adult libido, we seem to change our tune. Now it’s all about relationships, conversations, sexy underwear. Maybe it’s time we rethought the issue and accepted that, yes, hormones play a significant, significant role in our sex life.

Don’t get me wrong. Our relationships, our confidence and even sexy underwear can play an important role – but hormones seem like a starting point that just can’t – and shouldn’t – be ignored.

Debate: the “Medicalization” of Female Sexuality

Friday, July 23rd, 2010 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD
I hope you’ll forgive the lengthy perspective below, but this is an issue I am extremely passionate about. 
 
If I hear one more time that women’s sexual dysfunction is a myth created by the media, and that the search for medical solutions is merely a thinly veiled way for the pharmaceutical companies to fleece innocent and gullible women, I may shoot someone. 

The Numbers

Ask around:  women have long been complaining to each other and their physicians about various sexual problems that present issues in their relationships and with their own quality of life:   ”I have pain.”  “I don’t get turned on.” “I can’t have an orgasm.” Even if you do believe that the pharmaceutical companies are looking for ways to keep their shareholders happy, it is difficult to find fault given these statistics.

Current studies indicate that 43% of women express dissatisfaction with their sex lives at some point in time. Hmmmm. Let’s say the “real” number is being inflated by 100% — that would still leave us with one quarter of all women suffering from these conditions and their unhappy consequences.

How real is this?  For the skeptics,  let’s say that number is still inflated and the real, discounted number is only 10% of all women who are experiencing female sexual dysfunction.  Even that would 30 million women in US alone!  Do the math:  21% would be 60 million women.  And 43% would be 120 million. 

Are we painting a clear picture here?   Whether it’s 30, 60 or 120 million women suffering from female sexual dysfunction, it’s only reasonable to accept that it’s a problem worth addressing.

Big Bad Pharma

Now let’s talk about the big bad pharmaceutical companies accountable to their shareholders. Profit and share-price are the motives for making a product which works and will sell to a large patient population driven. No question.

When they look at the statistics they must be salivating!  What a huge group of prospective users!  An effective drug that solves low desire, for example, would be a boon!

So what’s wrong with that? 

What if the motivation for studying a solution for millions of women is profit?  Personally, I don’t really care what their motives are as long as they are working on the problem. If Big Pharma is trying to produce a drug that may help low desire or arousal, good for them!  This may also be good for some my patients, which is the point, isn’t it?

Medical treatment and psychotherapy

Strikingly, you most often hear complaints about the “medicalization” of female sexual dysfunction from psychotherapists.  Many seem horrified at the possibility that physiology may be at the root of female sexual dysfunction, and claim that practitioners will push suffering women into spending their hard earned dollars on questionable medical treatment. 

In our practice, we have the opportunity each week to refer some of our patients – including some who have found medical treatment for their fsd – to local psychotherapists for longer term counseling connected with their experiences with sexual dysfunction. We recognize that the priority is getting patients the help they need in whatever way best suits their temperament, medical condition and wallet.  Even though we believe that our approach of integrating the psycho-sexual with the physiological is powerful, we accept that some women will decide on traditional talk therapy to address their needs. Just because there may be a physiological reason for a particular sexual condition, does not mean that there cannot be related psychological – or even psychiatric – dysfunction that needs to be addressed by a specialist.  But let’s be fair – the reverse is also true.

And finally, as part of the health care debate it’s hard to disagree with effective medical treatment that carries an annual cost of less than $2000,  particularly when compared to upwards of $7000 per year for psychological counseling alone.  So, factoring in the cost of different treatment options must be part of the equation for every patient.

“Quick Fix” vs. the “Long Haul”

To women who experience ongoing sexual difficulties, the choice between a quick fix and an interminable journey is unhelpful.  Calling medical treatment for female sexual dysfunction a “quick fix” undermines the hard work patients do to face their condition head on.  Patients will often overcome great embarrassment and insecurity to seek treatment.  They may try unfamiliar or even uncomfortable procedures to address their problems.  They may need to involve a disappointed or resistant partner in order to make progress.  None of this describes a “quick fix” and the psychotherapeutic community’s knee-jerk assignment of that term demonstrates disrespect for women who are sincerely struggling with an untenable situation.

Two key questions remain at the fore when a patient considers treatment options:  will it work and is it safe?  After that, the next question is often: how long will it take (the adult version of, “Are we there yet?”)?  Of course, the fact that medical treatment of FSD often resolves problems within a few months may alienate therapists who believe in a longer-term process.  That, we believe, needs to be left up to the patient.

At the root of this argument is another assumption:  that intimacy and sex are the same. The sooner we recognize that this is not true in every case, the more open the psychotherapy community will be to considering other channels to help patients find complementary paths to solving the distress of FSD.

A “quick fix” for the media

As we watch the media respond to the news regarding Flibanserin,  Boehringer Ingelheim’s drug to improve sexual desire in women currently in clinical trials,  we see how desperate they are to find a  pithy, newsworthy way to present an issue.  That’s where “Flibanserin, Viagra for women” comes from.

Such a synopsis ignores the different way the medications work (vascular for Viagra, hormonal/neurotransmission for Flibanserin) and disregards the complexity of sexual dysfunction for women.  The lack of depth in describing the problem and its possible resolution is astounding and only reflects poorly on responsible media coverage.

“The consumer is not an idiot. She is your wife”

This quote is only one of many tenets of advertising and marketing proffered by David Ogilvy, considered the father of modern advertising.

To suggest that women will be sheep and buy whatever cream or pill is recommended, and keep using it even if it’s not working, is ludicrous and infantilizing. Women are smart consumers. When they have a problem they try a solution and they stop if it doesn’t work. I can list a slew of herbal “remedies”  that have been on the market for sexual dysfunction. Some had significant marketing and PR dollars behind them, and nearly all of them are no longer being sold.

I have the utmost confidence in women who are seeking solutions to obstacles that stand in the way of their goals.

An intelligent, responsible person will evaluate treatment options with her own needs at the fore, and with an eye towards efficacy and safety and effort.  She will not be convinced by phony claims, snake oil or an unsatisfying experience.

So, as you can see, this is not snake oil or fantasy, but a set of sound alternatives based on medical practice and fact.  Virtually all conditions can be addressed in far less than one year with follow up assessment as needed.    If you’ve ever met a young married woman who has been unable to consummate her marriage, a vibrant mom of teenagers who simply cannot find her libido, a post menopausal 55 year old who can no longer achieve orgasm, a young single woman who wrestles with her relationship because she cannot feel aroused, then you know how important it is to be prepared with all possible solutions.  It is our job the help her have the sexual life she wants, regardless of what the critics say.

some thoughts on low sexual desire

Monday, March 24th, 2008 by Shoshana Bulow LCSW

Relational or psychological issues can cause or at least contribute to low sexual desire.  In my practice, I’ve seen people who have been ambivalent about their relationships from day one, yet are baffled as to why they don’t want to jump into bed with their partners.  I have met people who feel that they are being criticized relentlessly, or feel like they are being guilted into doing sexual things that make them uncomfortable, and then they wonder why their sexual desire has seemingly disappeared.  But sometimes their spouses or partners don’t even realize it, and may actually be open to making changes or seeing things differently if only these feelings were shared. For others, there may be difficult history that they have not yet sorted through, or messages about sex after marriage or sex after becoming a parent that they don’t even realize influence their sex lives.  Exploring the relational/psychological issues that may be causing or contributing to low sexual desire is not a sign that something is wrong with you or your relationship.  It only means that you recognize that love and sex and relationships can be complicated and that talking about it can help.