Posts Tagged ‘low desire’

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Sex and the Single Lady

Thursday, January 26th, 2012 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

In Bolick's article, "All The Single Ladies”, her focus is not sexual, it is more anthropological, but she does discuss sex. She quotes Robert H. Frank, who states that, “When available women significantly outnumber men, which is the case on many college campuses today, courtship behavior changes in the direction of what men want….  If women greatly outnumber men”, he says, “social norms against casual sex will weaken”.  He qualifies this by explaining that no matter how unbalanced the overall sex ratio may become (in either direction), there will always be specific men and women who are in high demand as romantic partners. But even these highly sought after individuals will be affected by changes in society. So how much is our sexual behavior impacted by social norms? Research proves it has an enormous influence.

Do some women have low desire because it is thought to be more socially appropriate? Are women taught to hide their sexuality? Bolick’s focus is more to explore singleness than to explore how singleness affects sexuality, but this article certainly got me thinking about the connection between the two. How can single women further explore their sexuality? This is particularly true if more women will be single for longer periods in their lives.

The first step is to be aware that one’s sexuality is not reliant on a partner. You can have a satisfying sex life as a single person. In fact, part of my job as a sexuality counselor is to educate women about their physical and sexual health.  The more your mind and body stay connected towards being sexual, the healthier that part of you will remain. The connections made between your mind and body when you have sexual thoughts are an important part of your sexual health. One needs to stay sexually active even without a partner, to keep the tissues lubricated and to keep the connection between one’s mind and body active.  Though stereotypes about sex and the single women have certainly been transformed by shows like Sex and the City, negative ideas about singleness still persist.  I think it is particularly important that we re-frame any negative notions about the sex life of single women. Not only can it be an exciting time, but it can be a wonderful opportunity to explore your sexuality without the pressures or expectations of a partner.

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Asexuality

Friday, August 12th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

The concept of asexuality first came to my attention a few months ago when I began to see a young woman who was struggling with the fact that she felt no desire to be sexual.  As a teenager she felt ostracized from having no interest in sex of any kind.  Her girlfriends were all talking about hook-ups and sex while she had very little interest in boys.  Even when she had experiences with them, she felt it was boring.  As we began to work together it became clear that she had spent a great deal of time both worrying about her lack of desire and researching it.

She spoke at length about a web site called AVEN.  AVEN defines itself as, “the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. AVEN strives to create open, honest discussion about asexuality among sexual and asexual people alike.” AVEN is a great resource for individuals struggling with asexuality.

An asexual, as defined by AVEN is, “someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently. Asexuality is just beginning to be the subject of scientific research.”

AVEN seems to have been a starting point for several women I treat,  yet it leaves many questions unanswered. It is limited in getting to the deeper issues around desire. In my practice at the Center we view desire as a multi-faceted condition; we do a thorough evaluation to uncover what might be causing a lack of desire.  It is obviously different in each person.  We do start from the assumption that most individuals want to have desire and that we can work through a process to help them discover or reclaim it, but if one feels that they have no desire and would rather embrace it, that is a fine choice too.

As a sexuality counselor, this idea of asexuality poses a unique set of questions. I see women all the time who have low libido or non-existent libido.  What makes one person asexual and another person an individual struggling with a lack of desire?  Ultimately it is personal decision and I hope that each person finds what they are seeking.  If you have no interest in sex or sexuality or in having a sexual relationship, perhaps the term asexual is a good one.  If you are someone who is struggling with a lack of desire and you would like to feel differently than you do, I would probably not use the term asexual.  Either way, you can always reach out for help to gain tools and support for what you are struggling with.  Struggling alone is what concerns me the most; with help you can come to a place of greater comfort with yourself and whatever choices you decide to make.

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A Good Day At Our Center

Monday, August 1st, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Someone once asked me what makes a good day at our center.

 

Today is one of those days.

 

  • Today I got an e mail with a copy of a baby picture from a patient who struggled for 2 years with vaginismus. She is fine, having great sex and has a beautiful little baby girl to prove it.
  • Today we got an email from a patient with chronic pain from a severe and significant accident. Six months ago she believed she could never be approached by her husband again and that she’d never had an orgasm again. She and her husband were so sad that this part of their life was over. They just emailed from vacation. They are having sex (albeit with some modifications) and she is having orgasms again. They feel like they have been given an incredible gift.
  • Today I received an email from a young woman who sat in our office 4 years ago sobbing. Her marriage was ending because of her inability to have intercourse and her low desire. She felt hopeless, beyond help and so very alone. She emailed to tell me that those problems are far behind her. She is in a new, wonderful, supportive relationship. No pain. No problems with desire. She is starting a new chapter in her life.

 

So on those frustrating days when I am sitting across from someone who is struggling and whom we are struggling with to help find the right solution, I just have to remember these days. Because when you help someone restore their sex life you have given them a powerful reminder of just how great life can be!

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Desire or ” I want you!”

Thursday, July 28th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

 

“I want you.” Three simple words, but somehow they seem nearly impossible to define. Desire can be very complex and often seems mysterious to us. It appears as a magical equation of attraction mixed with physical attributes, eroticism, passion, simple physical need, or love.

And when desire is not there, in its place there is often a sense of emptiness, of an open yawning space, a chasm that can’t be breached and sometimes even a feeling of loss.

The most common complaint we see at the Center is low desire (also known as low libido). And no, honestly, it’s not all 50+ year-olds complaining that their libido has taken a nose dive. We hear it from many women in their 30s and 40s, and we also see young women who feel that they have never really had much desire at all.

What makes defining desire so difficult is that only part of it is sexual. When we talk about wanting someone, we often do mean that we want them sexually.  But t he truth is, if you unpack the box a bit more, you’ll find that it’s that it’s not just about sex per se (at least the very literal interpretation we give to sex). It’s about wanting, or feeling wanted for the essence of who you are, for the ability to lie naked (both literally and figuratively) in someone’s  arms and know that –even if it’s for a fleeting moment- the essence of who you are is desired.  It is about letting someone in, again literally and figuratively, and it’s about feeling seen.

 

When a woman’s desire is low it makes it hard for her to connect with her partner in a physical way, and that can cause many effects that ripple throughout the relationship. It can have significant ramifications on her partner’s feeling about her, about himself, and about his own desirability. It can greatly affect her feelings about her role in the relationship, as well as the overall tone of the relationship itself.

We live in a busy world and many of us lead complicated lives. That means most of us will have stress and anxiety, less-than-perfect relationships, and almost never enough time to relax and regroup. This alone can wreak havoc on a woman’s libido. Some of the craziness of life can be controlled, but not all. A healthy libido can usually weather the normal ups and downs of a crazy life and bounce back after a relatively short “shut-down.”

But there are more complex reasons a woman suffers from a low libido. It can be influenced by physiological conditions in our bodies: hormone levels, vitamin deficiencies and neurotransmitter health. It can be a symptom of depression. It can hint at thyroid problems or anemia. It can be caused by problems in the relationship: lack of intimacy, lack of trust, lack of time. It can be caused by personal struggles of our own: a dislike of our bodies, a general unhappiness with our lives, a lack of time or energy.

The bottom line is, for so many reasons, a low libido should be taken seriously and examined appropriately. You don’t have to live with low sexual desire if you don’t want to—and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise!

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Bremelanotide” The Barbie Drug” or PT141

Tuesday, June 28th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

At the Medical center for Female Sexuality we often treat  Hypo Sexual Desire Disorder or low desire. We have several effective treatments for this condition but most of them are off label for reasons I will not go into here. The field of female sexual dysfunction is always growing and we are at the forefront of trying new treatments to assist women so that they can have more fulfilling sex lives.

We are currently trialing a new drug called Bremelanotide.  When  Bremelanotide was first trialed it was referred to as , “The Barbie Drug”. The reason for this is that the side effects seem to be weight loss, slight increase in skin pigmentation ( or appearing tan) and increased sex drive. It sounds good, right?  Of course any medication may have adverse side effects so the research is done very carefully.

If you are interested in this study for any reason, please contact our offices.   We think this study is really important because not only may it improve an individual woman’s experience but possibly that of their partners too. In fact, it will be contributing to an often over looked area of the female experience.  According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, more than 43% of American women (about 40 million) experience some form of sexual disorder.  It is an important issue and we clearly feel it is necessary aspect of any woman’s health.

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Dr. Oz and sexual advice

Wednesday, November 10th, 2010 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

OMG!

I love your show on Z100.

I even love Dr. Oz.

But that was some of the worst sexual “advice” I’ve heard in a long time!

You cannot tell the poor women who called in, who can’t drag herself to have sex with her boyfriend when she gets home, to “just do it!”  It’s clear she loves him so if she COULD, she WOULD. 

Not only is that not helpful advice, it’s actually hurtful – we see those women all the time at our Center. Not only can they not drag themselves to have sex, they have all these drs and sex therapists, telling them to “just do it,” and then they feel worse about themselves.

If you still have her phone number tell her to call someone who deals with female low libido and have a full evaluation. If she’s got the hormonal profile of a 10 year old she’s not gonna want to have sex with her partner, no matter how many romantic text messages he sends her.

And please tell the poor guy with Premature Ejaculation  (who called in after her) that creams may work, but that there ARE PILLS… PE is a neurological problem that can be easily treated with a combination of behavioral and medical interventions. He shouldn’t have to live with it.

Phew. I feel better.

Bat Sheva Marcus, LMSW, MPH, PHD

Clinical Director  – The Medical Center For Female Sexuality

http://www.CenterForFemaleSexuality.com

2975 Westchester Ave

Purchase, NY  10577

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The sexual response cycle – desire and response

Friday, October 15th, 2010 by Shannon Bertha, ACS, PhD

Masters and Johnson are famous for researching the sexual response cycle, the body’s reaction to sexual stimuli.  What is amazing about the sexual response cycle is that most people, regardless of race or religion or country they live in, respond to sexual stimuli and go through four phases: Excitement/Arousal, Plateau, Orgasm and Resolution.  The stimuli vary depending on the culture or society , but the response is typically the same: men will start to get erections, women will begin to lubricate.  What makes a man have an erection in Zimbabwe may be different for a man in America, but the reaction is the same…erection.

This model has been critiqued and modified, and new models have been proposed.  One aspect that is missing from the original response cycle is sexual desire.  Desire is referenced as a state that typically occurs before excitement or arousal.  But in essence, if someone or something does not stimulate this desire, often, the response we expect may not exist. 

Rosemary Basson explains desire and women like this:   women start in a place of neutrality and can move into desire – or not – depending on the stimuli available to her.  If the stimuli do their job, a woman feels desire which will produce a response or reaction in the body.

What about people who may be able feel excitement or arousal without desire?  Is that possible? 

This is something I see with some of our patients with low desire. It tends to be very confusing to the patient and particularly to her partner.  These patients experience low desire and are not very interested in have sex with a partner , but the partner keeps initiating sex and the patient thinks: “well, it has been 2 months since we did anything sexual so I should give in.” 

When I ask a patient if her body was able to “respond” once she began sexual activity,  some patients reply, “Yes, I do get turned on and even orgasm at times; and then I think to myself, ‘why do you keep saying no, this isn’t bad and feels good’ until the next time comes around again.”  One woman equated it with going to the gym.  “You really don’t want to go to the gym, then you’re there and feel, wow, this is great for me and my body, on the way out of the gym you think this isn’t so bad, why did I make it so difficult, I should do this more, until the next time rolls around again and you don’t want to go.” 

This situation is very confusing for partners because, if their partner seems satisfied at the conclusion of lovemaking, having been adequately lubricated and perhaps experiencing an orgasm,  it is not clear why they wouldn’t want to have sex more often.  

If we begin to separate desire and response into two different phases, we observe how some women can respond to sexual stimuli, even if they do not arrive at the experience with a high level of desire.  Conversely, we treat women who feel desire, but their desire does not follow with the appropriate physiological response such as lubrication and orgasm.

As a clinician, it is important to look at these two aspects of lovemaking and examine how desire and response interact on a patient by patient basis.  The diagnosis and treatment may vary depending upon what we learn.

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The Pill and Libido

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010 by Ilene Rosenthal, Marketing

The website SheKnows.com handles a lot of tough issues from love and sex, to home and garden, to parenting and health.

When considering the connection between the pill and your sex life and the role of hormones in a woman’s libido, there is a lot of reliable research to support this link. The question is: birth control!  For some women, finding another avenue for birth control is a bigger deal than saying yes when they mean no in the bedroom.  Read more on the She Knows site.

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Once again, the media needs headlines about sex

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010 by Ilene Rosenthal, Marketing

You’ve already heard us opine about claims that practitioners who treat female sexual dysfunction medically with tremendous success.  Here, ABC News again fusses over the fact that big pharmaceutical companies are creating products to address the condition of low desire.

Of particular interest are the comments below the story.  Proof from real people, right there.

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Low hormone levels: always the problem?

Thursday, September 16th, 2010 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Having low hormone levels do not necessarily mean that your desire for sex will shrivel up like styrofoam in a campfire. Sex, and our desire for sex, is dependent on many, many elements and hormones are just one of them.

For most women having a healthy relationship with her partner,  being attracted to her partner, having time and energy available, getting enough sleep or having a generally healthy physical profile can all impact desire, and these may be just as important as hormone levels.

Take sleep for instance: if you are so sleep deprived that you cannot stay awake for 10 minutes without your eyes shutting, in all likelihood you will not be interested in or even capable of having sex. However, if you are just tired, most people can still locate their libido with a little encouragement.

The same is true with hormones. Your levels might be a little low. But if everything else is in line, you can probably maintain some interest in sex, even with low hormone levels. If, however, your hormones are way out of whack, or if other things are off kilter in addition to your hormone levels,  then you will most likely feel a dramatic decline or absence of interest in sexual activity.  At some point, if you are walking around with the hormone profile of a 10 year old, nothing else will make up for it except for the addition of hormones.  This can help you achieve and maintain better balance for your body which will effect everything, including sex.

Here’s the bottom line, many factors have the power to put the kibosh on your sex life. So think hard about the ones that appear to be obvious; then check out the others that may lie under the surface.

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