Posts Tagged ‘good sex’

Positive Body Image and Sex

Monday, January 17th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

As a clinician at the Medical Center for Female Sexuality I hear many, many women struggle with their self image. Patients wonder how they can feel “sexy” when they don’t feel good about their bodies. There is no easy answer to this question. Just as each woman must explore her likes and dislikes sexually, each woman must work towards increased self acceptance. The process can begin with re-focusing on small things that you like about yourself.  And you don’t need to feel great about your body to have great sex.

My goal is to teach women to turn down the volume on their own judgments. If these negative, critical voices can be tuned out and the focus can be on pleasure, a great sexual experience is always possible. Often our partners are not judgmental. Most men care far less about how their partner looks and much more about creating an intimate connection.

It may not be easy to overcome strong societal forces telling women to look and act a certain way. However, with focus and determination to be your best self and to create the most satisfying, fulfilling sexual experiences, you can take small steps towards self acceptance and slowly begin to see yourself in a more positive light.

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Goin’ Down

Monday, July 12th, 2010 by Shannon Bertha, ACS, PhD

At times we may feel that our partners are not adequately stimulating us during sex.  This can be true for men and women.  It isn’t that our partners are bad lovers or do not know how to perform, but rather that they may not know what really turns us on.  There can be many ways to guess what turns on your partner, for example, how they move during sexual activity or what sounds they make;  but the clearest, most direct is verbal communication. 

This subject comes up a lot when women talk to us about oral sex.  Let’s face it: oral sex for women is complex and asks couples to face many aspects of lovemaking that are sometimes difficult to address:  physiology, physics, the senses (sight, smell, taste), patience, power within a relationship, and more.

Here’s a scenario we hear a lot:  A woman really enjoys oral sex but doesn’t want to ask for it too much because she believes her partner doesn’t like to do it.  So she goes though a number of sexual encounters with intercourse,   enjoys it, but does not climax during any of these events.  Finally, she decides she is going to take matters into her own hands and tells her husband, before intercourse, that she wants an orgasm and would like him to perform oral sex on her.  To both of their surprises, he smiles , gets very excited and takes action.  As it turns out, he really enjoys giving oral sex to his wife, and he’s pretty good at it!  But she hesitated to express interest in it because of her own assumptions about her husband.  This little event sparked many more conversations about what they can do for (and to) each other to make each sexual experience fulfilling. 

If you find your partner needs some help in this area, or would like different technique suggestions, there are a number of books that are available for performing oral sex on women, such as: 

She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner

Guide to Eating Out – The Lick-by-Lick Guide to Mouthwatering and Orgasmic Oral Sex by Palmer Strong

And books that discuss both:

The Going Down Guide: Tongue Tips and Oral Sex Techniques for Men and Women by Emily Dubberley and Al Needham

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Cohabitation

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009 by Shannon Bertha, ACS, PhD

Today, more and more adults, both here in the US and in Europe, are choosing to cohabitate, or live together.  This may serve as a precursor to marriage, or another alternative to getting married.  Though, attitudes towards this practice are becoming increasingly more accepting, some religious groups still advocate against it.  It is very common for people who do not agree with this practice to focus on the “negative” statistic suggesting that most people who cohabitate eventually break up.  Though this statistic is stressed often, I don’t know if it is should be viewed as bad.  Maybe it was a good thing that these people ended things.  Maybe they are actually better off without each other.  Maybe these relationships were doomed for divorce from the beginning.  Maybe that living situation really showed you what that person was like, and maybe that person is very different than the person you use to date. 

Living together is a lifestyle choice.  Just like many are free to choose who they want to be with and have sex with, some are even choosing how to define that love.  Whether you have a ring on your finger or your cars are parked in the same garage, or whether you’re of the same sex, or different races, everyone is entitled to define what love means to them and how they express it.  Just because someone is not married, does not mean they are not committed or not in love with their partner.  Many times people feel trapped because they think there is only one way of doing it, one ring followed by another, marriage.  There are many other options out there to explore.   Explore what works for you best and don’t be worried about jumping through all the hoops.

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