Posts Tagged ‘couples and sex’

NY Post and Kosher Sex

Thursday, September 15th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

In the New York Post this week there was an article about a new online site selling vibrators to the religious Jewish community. I love to see vibrators in mass media publications; the fact that there was a wide range of opinions discussed in the article from within that community adds even more value. At the Center we see many religious Jews and many of them struggle with issues around their sexuality. Some women feel that exploring their sexuality is wrong for religious reasons.  Many feel they must check with their rabbis about what behaviors are acceptable. Luckily some women have rabbis that support them to explore their sexuality in a multitude of ways, but unfortunately not all have that experience.  For those women we need to work within the confines of what they are allowed to do.

The site is simple and only carries a few of each kind of product (such as vibrators and lubricants), but it’s a good beginning for couples looking to expand their sexual experiences.  It’s a safe  place for online anonymous questions (that will be answered by a sex therapist), an aspect I find particularly important for this community where most individuals do not have access to a lot of sex education. I also suggest that if an individual or a couple is having any issues with pain or struggling with any other element of their sexual relationship that they reach out for help. We help many individuals and couples, and believe whole-heartedly that there is no reason to suffer when it comes to sex.

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Sex and the Vibrator Movie

Tuesday, September 6th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

I admit it. I have been waiting all my life (okay, maybe just the last 10 years) for someone to make a quality film about the incredibly interesting history of vibrators. Really. I’m not kidding.

And finally, someone is doing it. (Well, I can’t actually vouch that it’s quality, but it is a real film). Maggie Gyllenhaal, the beautiful, feisty, funny and sexy chick from Secretary (another blog post on the feminist aspects of BDSM in the future, I promise) is going ahead and starring in a movie called Hysteria, about vibrators. Imagine a rom-com about the vibrator history. Someone order the popcorn! http://www.aceshowbiz.com/news/view/w0005673.html

So why do I feel like somehow the world is really not complete without a movie about vibrators? Because in my heart of hearts I believe that the vibrator is to the over-30 clitoris what eyeglasses are to over 15-year-old eyes. They can change your life. They make things easier, clearer and more beautiful.

Here’s the real deal. We live in a ridiculously androcentric sexual universe. Put another way, we have allowed men and the media to define sex as vaginal intercourse. If you asked a typical person on the street (male or female) to tell you what the basic requirement or ingredients of “sex” are, no doubt you’d hear something like “man put penis in vagina. Man ejaculates.” Hmmmm… Why would the answer not be “partner massages vulva and clitoris until the women reaches orgasm.” But let’s just be honest, one in 1000 people would answer that way and the one person would probably turn out to be me, a member of our staff or my family. No one answers that way! Worse, no one thinks that way.

So, if say, we were to flip that way of thinking onto its head and suggest that perhaps a woman’s orgasm should be an actual primary component of our sexual definition, well then that changes the equation – totally.  Intercourse is, without question, one of the least efficient and effective means of women achieving orgasm. 33.3 percent (that’s 3/10 women for those of you with math challenges) actually can have an orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Compare that statistic to 96.5%… the number of women who can achieve orgasm with a vibrator.

So, if you were a professional dealing with that statistic daily, wouldn’t you want there to be more understanding, acceptance, and use of perhaps the best invention since the light bulb?

Perhaps a mainstream movie might accomplish what is so hard for so many of us professionally in the field. Perhaps there will be just a little nudge in the direction of understanding and accepting female sexuality in all its complicated and misunderstood glory.

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Newlywed’s Guide to Intimacy

Thursday, September 1st, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

In my work at the Center I frequently see “Torah observant” women who are struggling with sexual and relationship issues in a new marriage. They are from a community where certain rules and rituals must be observed. A new book called The Newlywed’s Guide to Physical Intimacy has just come out by Jennie Rosenfeld, PhD and David Ribner, DSW.

This is an excellent book for this community. It includes a lot of basic information about anatomy and how to begin a sexual relationship. The authors also do a great job of talking about intimacy (both physical and emotional) in a way that is very accessible and helpful.  Rosenfeld and Ribner gently take couples through various life stages and they explain how things like marriage, pregnancy and health issues may affect intimacy.

The book includes several illustrations; one of male and female anatomy as well as several basic positions for intercourse.  The illustrations are not as informative as they could be. It was a great idea to include them because knowledge about one’s anatomy is the first step towards discovering and exploring your sexuality, however these are not well done. They also included illustrations of sexual positions. Most of them are fine but one is so unclear that I fear it could actually lead to confusion. Other than that, I highly recommend this book.

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Adversity and Desire

Monday, August 8th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

It happens all the time. A tearful, distraught woman sits down and informs us that:

Her husband is leaving her/has left her.

Her husband is having/was having an affair.

She believes this is due to the fact that they haven’t had sex in (you fill in the blank: 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 11 years.)

The funny thing, she’ll say, is that her sex drive (the lack of which caused all the problems) has miraculously re-emerged. Now, on top of every other painful emotion she is experiencing (abandonment, anger, betrayal, sadness, fury) she feels crazy and distorted.

Now my sex drive is working????? Am I crazy?

No. You’re not crazy. Not only are you not crazy, but nearly every other woman we’ve seen in the same situation feels similarly. (A variation of the theme is that after their first appointment with us, their sex drive comes back and they think we are genius miracle workers.)

Okay. So now you (the reader) are probably saying something like: “Yea. We all want what we can’t have.” Or “it’s the competition thing going.” Well, that’s probably right, but it doesn’t actually explain anything nor does it account for such a sudden and extreme shift in what these women feel as a physical reality. Some of them are getting wet for the first time in years and having orgasms easily when they couldn’t before.

Helen Fisher  (noted sociologist) wrote in “Why we Love”, “As adversity [in relationships] intensifies, so does romantic passion. This phenomenon is so common in literature and in life that I coined a term for it: ‘frustration attraction.’” She then goes on to explain how when we suffer a disappointment or a delay in reward, the dopamine procuring neurons in our brains prolong their  activities- increasing brain levels of the natural stimulant “ And very high levels of  dopamine are associated with intense motivation and goal directed behavior”  — and I will add here, arousal and orgasm.

So here we have it yet again. Is it something physical or psychological? I don’t really know the answer. I only know that the two are becoming more and more intrinsically linked in the way we practice here at the Center and I only wish we knew more.

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How To Talk To Your Partner About Using A Vibrator

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

Occasionally, women feel nervous about introducing a vibrator into their
relationship. Sometimes their partners express that they don’t
feel comfortable with it. This is particularly challenging for our
clients who have never had orgasms because they may require
additional stimulation which oral or manual stimulation can not
provide. In these instances I try to explain to both the woman and her
partner that:

1. Their sex life will dramatically improve if a woman is able to have
an orgasm.

2. Vibrators do not “replace” a partner. Women frequently come in with
an internal or penis shaped vibrator. This can be
intimidating for a man. The truth is we generally recommend an
external vibrator, for a woman who needs increased stimulation.   If
you are living with a penis you don’t really need a mechanical one.

3. There are vibrators which can be used during partner sex. Most of
the clitoral vibrators can be used with a partner. And there are
vibrators which a man can wear too. These can or may provide pleasure
for both of you.

4. The bottom line is that most people enjoy sex much more if they can
have an orgasm. So ultimately if the use of a vibrator allows a woman to have more satisfying sex,
she will want to have it more often, which is often what people come to us for.

5. For those men who feel that they should be “enough” for their partners to be able to have an orgasm, we frequently explain it this way:    Before the discovery of eye glasses, many people had unclear or horrible vision. They could often get around but the details and clarity that good vision provides was not possible. Then once eyeglasses became readily available, all those people who had been missing the details of their partners face or the beauty of a sunset could finally see clearly! A vibrator is a lot like glasses, many women feel good when they get touched in a sexual way but they can’t have the full experience of an orgasm without the help of a little extra stimulation. The first vibrator was created in the 1880’s. There is a reason that that invention has persisted and been perfected over the years. Many, many women can experience their sexuality in a whole new way once they experience an orgasm.  And with a little help,  their partners may also.

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On scheduling sex — when you have kids

Monday, June 22nd, 2009 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Often times I’ll tell patients with children  that they need to schedule specific times for sex. They will look at me quizzically, not quite getting what I am suggesting. “Good sex” in our society is so often synonymous with “spontaneous sex,” that to suggest scheduling sex, is almost like suggesting sex with your clothes on.

So first of all, let me assure you that sex with some clothes on can be plenty sexy! Second… here’s a secret: if you have little kids and you don’t schedule specific times for sex… the likelihood of your actually ever having sex is about the same as winning the State Lottery. Not so good.

The reality is that if having sex in your marriage is important — and in most cases it really and truly is — you’re going to have to include it as if it’s a “must do,” and schedule it in. That means sitting down and picking a time both of you think will work (not still at the office, not exhausted, no kids banging at the door,) and make concrete arrangements to make it possible. (A babysitter? A lock? A nap first?) Then you need to make this a (nearly) unbreakable commitment.

Don’t worry. It gets easier. And you may even find that scheduled sex can be as hot as the spontaneous kind. And guess what? In 20 years or so when your kids move out, you can always go back to the spontaneous kind!!

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