Archive for the ‘fidelity’ Category

Adversity and Desire

Monday, August 8th, 2011 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

It happens all the time. A tearful, distraught woman sits down and informs us that:

Her husband is leaving her/has left her.

Her husband is having/was having an affair.

She believes this is due to the fact that they haven’t had sex in (you fill in the blank: 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 11 years.)

The funny thing, she’ll say, is that her sex drive (the lack of which caused all the problems) has miraculously re-emerged. Now, on top of every other painful emotion she is experiencing (abandonment, anger, betrayal, sadness, fury) she feels crazy and distorted.

Now my sex drive is working????? Am I crazy?

No. You’re not crazy. Not only are you not crazy, but nearly every other woman we’ve seen in the same situation feels similarly. (A variation of the theme is that after their first appointment with us, their sex drive comes back and they think we are genius miracle workers.)

Okay. So now you (the reader) are probably saying something like: “Yea. We all want what we can’t have.” Or “it’s the competition thing going.” Well, that’s probably right, but it doesn’t actually explain anything nor does it account for such a sudden and extreme shift in what these women feel as a physical reality. Some of them are getting wet for the first time in years and having orgasms easily when they couldn’t before.

Helen Fisher  (noted sociologist) wrote in “Why we Love”, “As adversity [in relationships] intensifies, so does romantic passion. This phenomenon is so common in literature and in life that I coined a term for it: ‘frustration attraction.’” She then goes on to explain how when we suffer a disappointment or a delay in reward, the dopamine procuring neurons in our brains prolong their  activities- increasing brain levels of the natural stimulant “ And very high levels of  dopamine are associated with intense motivation and goal directed behavior”  — and I will add here, arousal and orgasm.

So here we have it yet again. Is it something physical or psychological? I don’t really know the answer. I only know that the two are becoming more and more intrinsically linked in the way we practice here at the Center and I only wish we knew more.

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Online Dating in the New Yorker

Monday, July 25th, 2011 by Barbara Gross, LMSW

The recent article on online dating in the New Yorker by Nick Paumgarten was most interesting for its research. I had never heard about the history of online dating, and I was certainly not aware of the complicated algorithms that underpin the search process. He explained it all in a really interesting and accessible way. He also interviews many of the creators of on line dating, such as those behind Ok Cupid and Helen Fisher (who created the intake forms for Chemistry.com).  The article is much more about the mechanics behind online dating than a real look at the experience of it.

Paumgarten only includes a few anecdotes of online daters which seem rather negative. He interviews two women in detail. The first is an older woman of 76 who speaks about the experience as being disheartening and containing a system whose code she can’t crack. The second tells him about going to Brazil after a few interactions with a man and having it end  badly, though she claims she would do it all again for the thrill of the adventure. This is hardly a well-rounded selection. His attempt to represent the positive side of the experience includes one line. He says, ”The success story is the standard of the genre”, but in direct opposition to that point he seems to focus on the fact that the internet is overpopulated by available women and a limited supply of men. This also seems to skew the whole depiction, as does his focus on older men choosing younger women. The beauty of the whole process is that is epitomizes self selection.

Thankfully, he was transparent about his lack of personal dating experience both online and off.  He explains that he has been on only two dates and one of them was with his wife. As someone who has been married most of his adult life and chosen a mate probably more on access than on analysis, his view is certainly limited, though his research is worth the read.

More on this in my next entry…

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Monogamy

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

So we’re back to monogamy again… someone said to me recently that they are afraid of committing to one person for the rest of their life and I got to thinking about all the studies that say that people with one steady partner overall rate their sexual satisfaction higher than those who don’t have one. So I’m thinking… it’s true, nothing’s perfect but monogamy at least gives you someone to start with! When you are in a long term committed relationship there are ups and downs sexually, (no pun intended, although that’s true too,) and there is often the concern about monotony. The couples who seem to be most successful are the ones who give the issue some thought and challenge each other to try new things out or have sex with variations. Clearly, they don’t think about this all the time, but once a year, or once every few years, someone in the couple take the initiative to “shake it up a little.” Often that can give their sex life a new direction or just a new laugh, which can make a difference for a looonnnggg time.

 

So those of you who are in monogamous relationships… go for it.

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Monogamy or why do we need to look in other people's bedrooms?

Wednesday, March 19th, 2008 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

Hey did you see yesterday’s Times article — In Most Species, Faithfulness Is  a Fantasy?

Basically, in order to find a species that was always faithful, Natalie Angier had to resort to citing the “flatworm that lives in the gills of freshwater fish.” So who are we kidding and why are we all so prurient in our need to follow other people’s sex lives, and so incredibly judgemental when we find out about other people’s affairs (which are none of our business.)

Look, I’m a fan of monogamy. I like having sex with one person. I think it’s comfortable, fun, reliable, allows me to be more experimental, allows me to be totally trusting and sometimes it’s, let’s face it, just plain cozy. And I know a whole bunch of other people that feel the same way. My husband would say it’s morally and ethically correct. That having been said I think it’s probably an unrealistic expectation for many people and to set it up as the gold standard for our judgement of others may not be either realistic, practical or wise. And maybe, it’s none of our business. Why are we all so fascinated by what’s happening in everyone else’s bedroom?

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Is hiring a prostitute really worse than driving 91mph in a 60 mph zone?

Tuesday, March 11th, 2008 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhD

I know it’s an unpopular position, but somehow I can’t help feeling that Eliot Spitzer is being attacked in a way that is not comensurate with his crime. And, as always, I feel like the rather puritanical society we live in, has a double standard when it comes to sex.  Yes, what he did (which by the way was hiring a prostitute, not- as is being declaired on all the airway – becoming “involved in a prostituation ring” which sounds like he was chief organizer and madam) was illegal. Yes, what he did is immoral by most couple’s current standards. But hey… he was having sex with a consenting adult and he wasn’t hurting anyone. Compare that to Governor Corzine who’s car was traveling 91 in a 65 mph zone and could have killed any number of people. No one called for his resignation. So it seems to me that this “crime” he committed is being judged, rather than on it’s own merits, on other standards and I’m curious what they are. Is it that Eliot Spitzer has just alienated too many people during his long tenure as a public servant and it’s “payback time.” Or is it that somehow everyone feels holier than thou when they hear about extramarital sex… of any sort. And it makes people feel good to cluck their tongues and talk about morals and ethics. Maybe this should be seen as what it is, a private issue that he needs to work through with his wife. But unless there is serious reason to believe that hiring a prostitute will directly effect the job he was hired by the people of NY to do, I say “leave him alone and let him get back to the job at hand!”

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