Guilt is feeling bad for what we did, i.e., “I had unprotected sex.” Shame is feeling bad for who we are, i.e., “I’m a slut.” Shame is that inner voice that says, “I’m not good enough.” For many people shame becomes the core belief of who we are and eats away at the deepest part of our soul. The roots of shame are often found in childhood events, a rigid religious upbringing, or traumatic events like rape. For people who have been abused or traumatized there are often feelings of self blame, i.e., “It’s my fault. I’m no good or I wouldn’t have been treated so badly.” There is no cookie cutter formula for treating shame but overcoming it is possible and life changing. If you feel bad about who you are, today might be a good day to start the healing process. There is always hope, potential and possibility. Sometimes we just need a little help to see the bright light shining at the end of the tunnel. www.doctorcannon.com
Archive for February, 2009
If all roads lead to Rome, in sex therapy all roads lead to shame…
Saturday, February 28th, 2009 by Dr. Neil CannonIs there a problem with your sex life?
Tuesday, February 24th, 2009 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhDToo often we know there’s a problem with our sex life, but we are too scared to say something. I know it’s hard. You’re not comfortable talking about sex to start with. And your partner may be even more uncomfortable! Worse yet, it’s scary because you’re not sure where the conversation is going to go. Maybe your partner isn’t feeling sexual anymore… or worse, maybe they are not feeling sexual towards you. Or maybe you’r e afraid you’ll have to face some truths about yourself. What happened to your sex drive? Did it go away and never come back? Are you angry/hurt/disappointed in your partner? Do you not want to face the fact.
Here’s the deal. Things probably can’t get better unless you take the bull by the horns and talk about it. More often then not, if you want them to, the problems can be solved. But only if you know what it is. Go for it.
using a vibrator — when you're having sex with your partner!
Wednesday, February 18th, 2009 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhDOften I have patients who have trouble having orgasms. Sometimes they are women who are going through menopause or are getting older and they’re just having a harder time “getting there.” Sometimes they are women who always just had a harder time reaching orgasm. Either way, a vibrator makes their life wayyyyy easier and often gives them stronger orgasms.
“Okay then,” I say. “So you use the vibrator when you’re having sex with your partner, right?” Hun? They looks at me kind of blankly. Apparently, it never occurred to them.
So here’s some advice: If you are in that category of women, USE THE VIBRATOR WHEN YOU’RE HAVING SEX WITH YOUR PARTNER. It will make the sex more fun, less stressful (no more worry,) your partner won’t have to “work so hard,” you won’t feel so guilty for making your partner “work so hard,” and your orgasms will probably be stronger.
And please, please don’t tell me that a vibrator is “unnatural.” Phooey! So is the electric light bulb. We don’t live our lives by candlelight in an attempt to “remain natural.” Do yourself a favor…. USE THE VIBRATOR IF YOU LIKE IT. There is nothing wrong with you!!
Love your body
Thursday, February 12th, 2009 by Bat Sheva Marcus LMSW MPH PhDOkay women… listen up. You’ve heard it before and you’ll hear it again but see if you can let it sink in. You need to love your body (or at least most of it) if you want to have good sex. You have to let go of worrying about how you look and focus in on how you feel.
Okay, so your probably not perfect… maybe you hate your hair,your teeth, your nose…maybe you’re far from that perfect body, maybe your 100 pounds overweight, or more, or maybe you have a deformity, or maybe you have a horrible burn or scar. IT DOESN’T MATTER. This is the body you have, now, today. It’s the body that goes with you wherever and whatever you do and it is the very same body that can give you pleasure, but only if you say to yourself… “You know… I am good enough!!! Really and truly good enough to enjoy myself and allow myself pleasure. And if my partner wants to be with me then I must be good enough for him or her as well so YAHHOOOOO… I am just gonna let go, be present, and enjoy myself.” A comfortable, happy woman even with significant “imperfections is ” way more beautiful than an uptight perfect one!!! I promise.
With Valentine's Day Approaching
Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 by Shannon Bertha, ACS, DHSAfter many years with a partner, Valentine’s Day might not have the same thrill it did when you celebrated your first Valentine’s Day together. Romantic dinners are replaced with long waits at restaurants, piled in with lovers celebrating their love together, enough to disgust the singles out there. Romantic overtones of flowers and chocolates have been replaced with $80.00 roses, just perfect for the occasion, $50.00 Godiva chocolates, and if you are lucky, jewelry with a heart diamond.
This Valentine’s day, try something new and different. If you are always on the go and eating out at restaurants, on Feb 14th stay at home. Valentine’s day lands on a Saturday this year so plan a sexy day at home. Go out and buy “The Seduction Cookbook” or other cookbooks that are similar and sit with your partner and plan a delicious, erotic meal, and don’t forget the wine or dessert! Melt some chocolate in a fondue maker (a pot will also work) and buy some fruits such as bananas, strawberries, blackberries, and even some pound cake. Take turns feeding each other. Put chocolate places you want your lover to lick. If you do not have children or they are not home this day, spice it up by celebrating this day naked and eating dessert naked. (but you probably want to wear clothes while cooking, you don’t want to burn anything)
And for gifts, plan a trip to your local sex toy shop and pick out an item you both want to try for the night. With such busy schedules, some people do not have the time to put so much work and effort into their sex lives, use this time on Saturday. The whole day will be exciting with new toys try in the end. My recommendation for a couple’s sex toy would be “the couple’s love ring” or vibrating penis rings. This is a jelly ring that is worn around the penis. It has a bullet vibration that sits at the top of the penis and an additional one at the base that is removable. When a woman sits on top of it, it should be hitting directly on her clitoris. Since only 30-40% of women orgasm through intercourse alone, it is important to provide some other stimulation to the clitoris. Just make sure you get one that is reusable with batteries.
And remember, love should be celebrated every day, not just Feb. 14th.
The Big O…
Wednesday, February 4th, 2009 by Dr. Neil CannonWe get many of our notions about how sex “should” be from the media. Remember the movie “When Harry Met Sally?” Actress, Meg Ryan simulated an earth shattering orgasm if there ever was one. In sports we are goal oriented. In school we want our kids to get “A’s”. But sex isn’t a contest and there is no win loss record or scorekeeping. One of the best things couples can do to have better sex is to focus less on the goal and more on enjoying the experience. Orgasms are not a bad thing mind you, they’re a wonderful thing. Just don’t confuse them as the only thing.
Should I ask??
Sunday, February 1st, 2009 by Shannon Bertha, ACS, DHSThe other day I was asked, “Is it OK to ask what someone wants/likes when it comes to sex?”
I think we have this preconception that if we are to be good lovers, we must magically know what our partners want during sex. In order to have good sex (all forms of sex included) you have to find out what your partner wants. Sometimes this ’want’ can be interpreted by positive reinforcement, “I love it when you do that….” or a moan to let your partner know you are on the right track. Other times it might have to be spelled out, “I loved it when you did….please do it again” or “I have always wanted to try….how about you?” These questions should be revisited time and time again as our wants may change throughout life. Just because you had this conversation 2, or 5, or 15 years ago, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have it again.
People think if you have to ask, you are not sexually skilled. The skilled person knows that we are all different and enjoy a wide range of sexual expression and pleasure. So if you want to please your partner, just ask. You may be surprised at how much closer it brings you. Usually, we think of ‘oral sex’ as mouth to sexual organs. Maybe we should open up ‘oral sex’ to include talking and communicating about it too. Both can get you very excited and turned on.
