It’s kind of frustrating when women tell me that intercourse is painful. Then I say “do you use a lubricant?’ and then they say:” uh, no, aren’t I too young to need a lubricant?” And then I say… “uh… no… ”
Here’s the deal… women often need lubricants at different ages, different stages in life and even different times of the month. Lubricants make intercourse easier and definitely take away any pain or irritation that dryness causes. So go for it… lubricant that is, and keep it by your bed!
A friend asked me yesterday what percentage of the clients in my sex therapy practice have been abused. I knew the answer was “many” but I had never done the math. Out of curiosity I reviewed my cases for the past month. I saw 27 different people, most on multiple occasions of course, i.e., weekly. Of the 27 different people, sadly, 16 had been sexually, emotionally or physically abused. Even worse, of the 17 women I saw, 13 had been abused. 13 of 17 is simply heart-breaking! Not surprisingly, abuse has a profound impact on the entire family system for generations to come, i.e., the person who was abused is obviously impacted, but so too are their partners, children, grandchildren, etc. Some people who have been abused live their life vowing to never hurt another soul while unfortunately others perpetuate the cycle. The key to a healthy recovery is to first acknowledge that it happened and truly accept that it is not your fault. You are not to blame and you did nothing wrong. And by the way, a little known fact is that people who have endured long term bullying during childhood and adolescence can experience a wounding that is every bit as deep as those who have experienced a single trauma, i.e., rape or molestation. Abuse is abuse and it’s all bad! The good news is that survivors are strong and “survivors survive.” If you have been abused please feel free to contact me and I will do the best I can to help you find an appropriate therapist in your area. As bad as it can feel, there is always hope, possibilities and potential.
The Medical Center for Female Sexuality remains on the cutting edge of female sexual concerns with the latest issue of its newsletter, Sex for Women Today. The September issue is dedicated to vaginismus, a rarely discussed disorder identified by pain during intercourse. Women are finding there is a solution and they no longer need to suffer through it. You can also subscribe to the newsletter and have it delivered directly to your email inbox.
(The following has been reprinted from SEICUS’ publication DEVELOPMENTS. You can see the original on their website if you click here.)
The Presidential Candidates
On Sex Education and Abstinence-Only-Until-Marriage Programs
The U.S. President has the power to fundamentally lead and change our nation’s approach to promoting and securing sex education and in reducing disease burdens such as those caused by sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV. The
Bush administration has taken a decidedly backward and anti-science approach to these issues in its war on evidence-based prevention and in its promotion of abstinence-only-until-marriage programs. The next President has an opportunity to reverse this harm. Below are the key positions of the presidential contenders on the issues of sex education and abstinence-only-until-marriage programs. SIECUS believes that knowledge empowers and that in order to vote, advocates need to know the key positions of the candidates on these important issues so that voters can be fully informed and engaged.
Democratic Nominee, Barack Obama
Comprehensive Sexuality Education
• Senator Obama supports comprehensive sex education that is age-appropriate. He is a co-sponsor of the Responsible Education About Life (REAL) Act, which would provide funding for comprehensive, medically accurate sexuality education.
• Senator Obama is also a co-sponsor of the Prevention First Act, which is a package of legislation that seeks to prevent unintended pregnancy and increase access to comprehensive contraceptive services and information.
• He supports sex education for younger ages, provided it is age-appropriate, and has indicated that his position is based on the fact that age-appropriate comprehensive sex education includes such topics as learning the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching to educate young children on what to do should they ever be faced with an abusive situation.
Abstinence-Only-Until-Marriage Programs
• Senator Obama firmly opposes federal funding for abstinence-only-until-marriage programs and has stated that “it’s the right thing to do…to provide age-appropriate sex education, science-based sex education in schools.”
Republican Nominee, John McCain
Comprehensive Sexuality Education
• Senator McCain has not cosponsored the Responsible Education About Life (REAL) Act or the Prevention First Act, the two major legislative initiatives in the Senate designed to establish the first-ever dedicated federal support for comprehensive sex education.
• In July 2006, Senator McCain voted against an amendment which would have invested in comprehensive sexuality education and teen pregnancy prevention initiatives.
Abstinence-Only-Until-Marriage Programs
• A statement from Senator McCain’s campaign noted that the Senator “strongly opposes efforts by the Democratic-controlled Congress to eliminate abstinence-only sex education classes for school-aged children. Senator McCain believes the correct policy for educating young children on this subject is to promote abstinence as the only safe and responsible alternative.”
Only look at the pictures below if you are willing to take a new “fresh” look at your toothbrush. Trust me, you will never look at your toothbrush again in the same way! But it may give you a few laughs and the next time you and your partner are brushing your teeth together… who knows, it may give you a few good ideas!
Thanks so much to Julie Freedman from IASHS for forwarding this!
Okay, what exactly are we doing wrong???? Here’s a direct quote from an op-ed piece from Saturday’s NY times:
“In fact, a 2001 Unicef report said that the United States teenage birthrate was higher than any other member of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development. The U.S. tied Hungary for the most abortions. This was in spite of the fact that girls in the U.S. were not the most sexually active. Denmark held that title. But, its teenage birthrate was one-sixth of ours, and its teenage abortion rate was half of ours.”
Time and again studies show that an educated teen becomes sexually active later and makes wiser choices. In the end the result is less teenage pregnancy and less sexually transmitted disease. But you know what? I am not so worried about statistics. I am worried about your kids!! As you should be. Make sure you talk to them! Today.
Having children of any age can pose a significant challenge to your love life. When the kids are new borns, you are so exhausted, often miserable adjusting and while nursing, over touched and dripping from every orifice. Sex just seems like faint memory. when the kids are toddlers and in elementary school, you are still exhausted, rethinking your role as “mother” afraid they are gonna wake up and come wandering in and all your energy seems to be channeled into collecting playmobile and action heros off the floor. And just when you think it’s better and they become teens, you find that they stay up later than you, seem more conscious of everything that is going on and you become more self conscious.
Your not crazy. Having kids really does put a cramp in your love life. But your will be fooling yourself if you think that “the next stage” will be easier. the truth is you need to address each stage of life individually, be honest about the challenges and come up with solutions that work well for you. In future posts I’ll go into this more.
In the meantime, a wonderful patient told me that she had enlisted the kids to help give mommy and daddy “alone time” on Sunday’s from 1- 4 (or something like that). They explained to the older kids that they needed some quality time together when they wouldn’t be disturbed and now the kids all band together to work on it!!! She told me that a few weeks ago her 5 year old stood outside her bedroom door, bellowing at the top of her lungs: “Turn the TV down!! You know this is mommy and daddy’s quiet time!”
