So here’s an odd thing. Yet another patient, tall, dark, very attractive and in her early 40′s said to me “Geeze. The best sex we ever had was when he was having an affair…. and I KNEW ABOUT IT.” This is soooo not the first time I’ve heard this. And why was this, I asked her. “Well…” she faltered, “I’m not so sure. On the one  hand there was the competion factor. I wanted to be better than her. On the other there was this intensity. I wanted to keep him! Also, he seemed so much more confident. He was able to be much more forceful with me… and …. (and here she looks particularly puzzled,) I was angry at him and that seemed to help too. Am I nuts?” No sweetie. You are not nuts. At least not if you judge by other women feeling the same way.

This sparked a discussion in the office — a group of women compared it to when their husbands go to strip clubs and bachelor parties. Somehow, the fact that these men are being turned on by other women turns on their wives and, as one person in the office said “G-d, when he comes home, we are both so ready to go!”

I AM NOT ADVOCATING AFFAIRS. Please, hold the hate mail. Not all women feel this way. Please hold that hate mail too. However, some competition, some straying eyes, some third party turn on, can add trememdous spice to a relationship. The big question is how to build it into YOUR relationship in a way you can handle, in a way that won’t damage  other parts of the relationship, and a way you can both agree on.

Well, no one ever said it was going to be easy.

So as a professional I have many mixed feelings about the good old birth contol pill. On the one hand they can really ease a woman’s worries about becoming pregnant and that’s a great thing. On the other hand, more and more studies are coming out suggesting that they lower hormone levels which effect women’s desire, ability to become aroused and even orgasm. They raise other hormone levels that block a women’s desire, ability to become aroused — so what’s the right answer? Well, like most things, everyone’s different and women respond differently. Probably you shouldn’t go on them when you are very young and you shouldn’t stay on them for too long. Pay attention while you’re on them to see if you see any change. Finally, caveat emptor — there is a wide variety of birth control pills and the amount of hormones they include. In general, those birth control pills that are better for your skin, are worse for your love life. Sorry!! Proving yet again, that there is no such thing as a free lunch.

I’m giving another HS sex ed class tomorrow. I always worry there won’t be enough to say, which is kind of ridiculous given that most people can talk about sex ad infinitem. Anyhow, in my heart of heats I think if a sex ed class includes these four items, you’re good:

Sex and vaginal intercourse are not synonymous.

Both partner’s orgasms are equally important when a couple is having sex.

Touching and feeling good are goals in and of themselves.

No two people like the same thing sexually.

Whatever you do, do it safely and never do anything you don’t want to do!

Okay, okay, maybe there are a few other rules… but that seems a good start.